I wanted to be a brain surgeon, but I had a bad habit of dropping things. Gilbert Gottfried More Quotes by Gilbert Gottfried More Quotes From Gilbert Gottfried A man goes to the doctor for a check, and the doctor exams him and says I've got bad news, you've got cancer and alzheimers. The man goes Thank god I don't have cancer. Gilbert Gottfried cancer doctors men I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked. Gilbert Gottfried dating naked want At the Last Supper how come no one sat on the other side of the table? See, I think originally there were people sitting on the other side but those were the people going, You know, the air conditioning hits me right on the back on the neck. Gilbert Gottfried air people thinking Every time something pops in my head, I think twice about it and I do it anyway. Gilbert Gottfried think-twice pops thinking Every time you open the paper now, there seems to be another celebrity getting arrest for masturbation. First, it was Peewee Herman and then George Michael. If masturbation's a crime, I should be on death row. Gilbert Gottfried crime paper firsts I was talking to Jesus, and I said, Jesus, I feel like no one will ever accept me. And Jesus looked at me and said, You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell. Gilbert Gottfried hell talking jesus I always felt bad for Mother Teresa. Mother Teresa lived a whole life helping starving children and dying villages, but she could never be declared a saint 'cause she never actually performed a miracle. And it was towards the end, she was desperate to perform a miracle, so she would go up to starving children and go, 'What's that behind your ear? It's a quarter! Gilbert Gottfried miracle mother children I just don't accept midgets as human beings. There's only so much political correctness I can accept. Gilbert Gottfried accepting political being-there I would show up at a party for Al Qaeda if you said there's going to be a dinner. Gilbert Gottfried dinner als party Every time I give a straight answer and read it in a magazine, I say, 'Ouch.' One day I'd like to talk to a psychoanalyst about why celebrities reveal so much of themselves in interviews. Gilbert Gottfried magazines one-day giving I always wish the hotels were like they are in movies and TV shows, where if you're in Paris, right outside your window is the Eiffel Tower. In Egypt, the pyramids are right there. In the movies, every hotel has a monument right outside your window. My hotel rooms overlook the garbage dumpster in the back alley. Gilbert Gottfried back-alleys tv-shows egypt One pleasant surprise was when I interviewed Butch Patrick. I was expecting this bitter old drunk, and instead he had a total sense of humor about his career and his drinking and drug problem. Gilbert Gottfried drunk careers drinking I have always felt comedy and tragedy are roommates. If you look up comedy and tragedy, you will find a very old picture of two masks. One mask is tragedy. It looks like its crying. The other mask is comedy. It looks like its laughing. Nowadays, we would say, How tasteless and insensitive. A comedy mask is laughing at a tragedy mask. Gilbert Gottfried tragedy laughing two When you watch Robin Williams, you can see a lot of Jonathan Winters. Robin is the first one to admit that; he worshiped Jonathan Winters. Gilbert Gottfried winter robins watches A landlord is showing a couple around an apartment. The husband looks up and says, 'Wait a minute. This apartment doesn't have a ceiling.' The landlord answers, 'That's OK. The people upstairs don't walk around that much.' Gilbert Gottfried husband couple people I guess if they ever do a remake of 'Sophie's Choice,' I could play the Meryl Streep part. I've got to work on my Polish accent. Maybe I'll be the definitive King Lear one day. You know, if they ever feel that King Lear should be more Jewy. Gilbert Gottfried choices kings play Comedy historians take note: this Gottfried character doesn't have the best eye for detail - and, for a Jew, he doesn't have the best eye for retail, either. Gilbert Gottfried details eye character If the police ever try to pick me up, Michael Jackson told me I can hide out at his house. Gilbert Gottfried pick-me-up police house If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse. Gilbert Gottfried horse home jesus I'm one of those people that picks up the remote control and just keep hitting constantly, even if I like the show I'm watching. Gilbert Gottfried remote-control hitting people
