I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality. Phyllis Diller More Quotes by Phyllis Diller More Quotes From Phyllis Diller The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. Phyllis Diller motivational-sports inspiration football I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do. Phyllis Diller funny-relationship cute birthday You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot. Phyllis Diller alligators compliments-you shoes If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough. Phyllis Diller wrinkles funny-inspirational humor This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him. Phyllis Diller clerks husband gun Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. Phyllis Diller birthday inspirational life The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation. Phyllis Diller reincarnation doctors body Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. Phyllis Diller growing-up silly children The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day. Phyllis Diller marriage husband common His finest hour lasted a minute and a half. Phyllis Diller hours half inspirational We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. Phyllis Diller hilarious mom funny You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type. Phyllis Diller type inspirational blood Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? Phyllis Diller hilarious witty funny I never made `Who's Who,' but I'm featured in `What's That?' Phyllis Diller made I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate. Phyllis Diller beauty-shop seven hours Doctors say it's okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door. Phyllis Diller doctors heart sex My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit. Phyllis Diller health exercise fitness I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo. Phyllis Diller blouses people Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. Phyllis Diller marriage anniversary funny A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. Phyllis Diller smile happiness funny
