I was pretty subdued [as a kid ] because I didn't want to get spanked, and I didn't want to go to Hell. Larry the Cable Guy More Quotes by Larry the Cable Guy More Quotes From Larry the Cable Guy Blaming guns for killing people is like blaming pencils for bad spelling Larry the Cable Guy blame gun people Even after the Super Bowl victory of the New Orleans Saints, I have noticed a large number of people implying, with bad jokes, that Cajuns aren't smart. I would like to state for the record that I disagree with that assessment. Anybody that would build a city Larry the Cable Guy assessment smart new-orleans I'm happier than a tornado in a trailer park. Larry the Cable Guy funny-redneck tornadoes parks I had a buddy of mine call up the other day, all upset 'cause he slept with his third cousin. And I'm like, Man, if it upsets you that much, quit countin' them! Larry the Cable Guy upset cousin men Sometimes you've gotta wreck the truck to get the insurance money to make the payment on the truck. Larry the Cable Guy truck wrecks sometimes I'm on the diet where you eat vegetables and drink wine. That's a good diet. I lost 10 pounds and my driver's license. Larry the Cable Guy wine vegetables pounds He who laughs last, thinks slowest. Larry the Cable Guy lasts laughing thinking I was madder than a midget with a yo-yo Larry the Cable Guy midget I saw a sign one time that said 'hemorrhoids awareness week' at the doctor's office. Let me tell you, if you got hemorrhoids, I'm sure you are aware of it. You don't need a sign to tell anybody about it. Larry the Cable Guy doctors office needs Remember, half the people you know are below average. Larry the Cable Guy hard-work-pays-off average people I am called to love my neighbor, which I do. I can disagree with my neighbor about several things, but I'm not going to hate my neighbor. It's not up to me to hate anybody. It's not up to me to judge anyone. It's up to me to be nice, to be kind and to do everything I can to help somebody. Larry the Cable Guy nice hate judging You learn a lot though when you have kids, I'll tell you what. Did you know when a baby poops its diapers, you're not supposed to hit him with a rolled-up newspaper? Larry the Cable Guy baby funny kids There's the old joke, "What's the difference between country and redneck? Well, that's three hundred dollars." Larry the Cable Guy redneck differences country Bought a pair of boots the other day, and they was some silicone gel in there. Big red letters said, "Do not eat." Do they really need that stuff in them boots? Is there really some dude opening a pair of boots goin', "Boy, look at them boots. What the hell? I better eat that. I don't know what the hell that is." Larry the Cable Guy boys funny needs THE FACT THAT MY DAD IS A PREACHER HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING. HE PROBABLY WOULDN'T AGREE WITH SOME OF MY MATERIAL BUT THEN AGAIN THERE'S NO SIGN ON MY COMEDY EVENT THAT SAYS "REVIVAL HERE TONIGHT". IM SURE GOD HAS MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO THAN GO TO MY 8 OCLOCK OMAHA SHOW. THE SHOW IS THE SHOW AND CHURCH IS CHURCH. Larry the Cable Guy dad church important I ALWAYS HAVE DONE WELL HOWEVER IN BLUE STATES AND RED STATES. IVE NEVER REALLY ALIGNED MYSELF WITH ALL THAT RED STATE BLUE STATE DR. SUESS CRAP BECAUSE WERE ALL AMERICANS AND WE ALL LIKE TO LAUGH. Larry the Cable Guy drs blue laughing I follow the baseball team on the Internet more than I do the football team. Generally you can get a Nebraska game anywhere. Before I started doing big arenas and stuff and had a tour bus when I was just working comedy clubs way back when I would always listen to the games in my hotel room on the Internet. Larry the Cable Guy team baseball football I LOVE WAL-MART. I CONSIDER MY JOKES TO BE VERY JEUVINILLE. STUFF A 14 YEAR OLD WOULD LAUGH AT BECAUSE THATS THE SENCE OF HUMOR I HAVE. ALL THE STUFF I TALK ABOUT MAY NOT BE APPROPRIATE FOR CHURCH GROUPS HOWEVER WAL-MART AINT SUNDAY SCHOOL. AS LONG AS I DIDNT USE OFFENSIVE FOUL LANGUAGE I KNEW ID BE FINE. WAL-MART GETS IT, THATS WHY THEY BLOW AWAY THE COMPETITION. BESIDES ITS THERE STORE THEY CAN DO WHAT THEY WANT. THATS AMERICA BABY! Larry the Cable Guy sunday baby school I enjoy hunting, but if I had my choice to go deer hunting or bass fishing, I'd take bass fishing any day of the week. I enjoy both of them, but yeah, I'm a very outdoorsy guy. Larry the Cable Guy hunting choices fishing If guns kill people, I can blame misspelled words on my pencil. Larry the Cable Guy blame gun people
