I was sick of people making fun of my hair and so I cut it off and I've got much more attention than ever before. It was like when Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre in 1906 - three times more people came to see where it used to be. Emo Philips More Quotes by Emo Philips More Quotes From Emo Philips I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!' Emo Philips girlfriendfunnyfather I used to think I knew everything, but older you get the more you see other areas. If you could read everything about both sides, you'll pretty much be in the middle again, which is the state you had when you were totally ignorant. So my theory is if you maintain total ignorance - which isn't easy, but I try - you'll be just as far ahead as if you'd spent days and days reading about the whole issue. And you have that much extra time to play Pac-man. Emo Philips ignorancereadingmen They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo. Emo Philips emogood-timesnames Because we allow handguns. When you know someone in the crowd might be packing a rod, it can't help but rush your timing. Emo Philips crowdshelpingmight Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow. Emo Philips humorfunnycountry I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don't know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine. Emo Philips ropegirlhome Race is still somewhat of a taboo in comedy. But if you're a minority, then you can make fun of your own minority. And that's a nice service that many of them provide. Emo Philips niceracefun When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches. Emo Philips stitchesbaseballkids Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy. Emo Philips humorbrotherfunny I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years. Emo Philips laughingtwoyears I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time. Emo Philips scuba-divingscubadiving If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy. Emo Philips guyshould-havedresses Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories? Emo Philips humorousfunnychildren Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat. Emo Philips laughterartistmen People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?' Emo Philips emohumorfunny Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that? Emo Philips heyovercomingsex Santa Fe is fun to visit, but property there will cost you an arm and a dillo. Emo Philips santa-fecostfun Some comedians change their style, often to their advantage; but I see no reason why I can't continue with the "urbane sophisticate" 'til the day I die. Emo Philips comedianstylereason-why In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some. Emo Philips humorfunnyschool Writing jokes for others is like having babies for someone else. It's sad. Like the woman who gives up her baby but needs to be close so she secretly becomes the maid in the household. Emo Philips giving-upwritingbaby
