I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me. Rodney Dangerfield More Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield More Quotes From Rodney Dangerfield It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark. Rodney Dangerfield respectarmydark We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together. Rodney Dangerfield marriagerelationshipfunny Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it. Rodney Dangerfield idiotpeoplethinking Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?' Rodney Dangerfield marriagelovethinking Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it. Rodney Dangerfield runningwittyfunny I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying. Rodney Dangerfield carradio In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop. Rodney Dangerfield footballfunnyschool I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders. Rodney Dangerfield girlfunnysex ...went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife. Rodney Dangerfield nakedbarswife I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie. Rodney Dangerfield tiesyellowfunny I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me. Rodney Dangerfield humorfunnycheating We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again. Rodney Dangerfield dollarswantkids What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm. Rodney Dangerfield armspetdog With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other! Rodney Dangerfield marriagehumoroussex With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night. Rodney Dangerfield morningnightsex I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education. Rodney Dangerfield moneysuccessfulmen The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it. Rodney Dangerfield muggersmasknight When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight. Rodney Dangerfield respectmenkids I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push. Rodney Dangerfield sundayhumorfunny My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night. Rodney Dangerfield wifestarsnight
