I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on. Phyllis Diller More Quotes by Phyllis Diller More Quotes From Phyllis Diller It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge. Phyllis Diller mothers-dayfathers-daymom My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. Phyllis Diller thanksgivingfunkids I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'? Phyllis Diller clothesdoctorsmen The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours. We were not created by a deity. We created the deity in OUR image. Life began on this planet when the first amoeba split. Mankind will still be seeking God, not accepting that God is a spirit; can't see it, touch it, only feel it. It's called LOVE. Phyllis Diller winespacesong Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. Phyllis Diller wittyinspirationalfunny In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane. Phyllis Diller familyinsaneyears When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home. Phyllis Diller kissinghomefunny I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. Phyllis Diller familymomfunny I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.' Phyllis Diller milkthreefood I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate. Phyllis Diller central-parkinspirationalnight I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best. Phyllis Diller buddhismmeditationphilosophy What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. Phyllis Diller xmaschristmasjobs I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead. Phyllis Diller phasesthreetables Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children. Phyllis Diller bottlesadvicechildren I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody. Phyllis Diller doctorsbabyworld You know you're old when your walker has an airbag. Phyllis Diller airbagswalkersknows Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in. Phyllis Diller appendixdivorcedhusband Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. Phyllis Diller mommotherfunny My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked. Phyllis Diller husbandcareersinspirational Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. Phyllis Diller anniversarybirthdayinspirational
