I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. Steven Wright More Quotes by Steven Wright More Quotes From Steven Wright I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again. Steven Wright hilarious witty funny Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at. Steven Wright four laughing people For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram. Steven Wright 50th-birthday humor funny I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates". Steven Wright stolen stuff morning Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? Steven Wright express-yourself comedy thinking I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark. Steven Wright bookmarks speed reading Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film. Steven Wright memories funny travel I was born by Caesarian section . . . but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window. Steven Wright humor justice funny I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish. Steven Wright learning humor funny Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. Steven Wright smart clever funny I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy. Steven Wright car humor funny There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back, you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air. Steven Wright humor air funny What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny. Steven Wright logic crazy matter I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. Steven Wright arms comedy museums Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!' Steven Wright baby life funny I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Steven Wright tired trying night I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics. Steven Wright expansion mcdonalds ideas I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open. Steven Wright humor home funny What happens if you get scared half to death twice? Steven Wright suicide funny death If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? Steven Wright humor laughing funny
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