I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead. Jimmy Carr More Quotes by Jimmy Carr More Quotes From Jimmy Carr The first few weeks of joining Weight Watchers, you're just finding your feet. Jimmy Carr weight-watchersjoiningfeet Viagra has instructions: 'Keep away from children' - what kind of man do you think I am? Jimmy Carr menchildrenthinking I love those people who do story-telling and who ramble on, but I don't do that, I tell jokes - the sort of jokes that anyone really could tell in the pub. Jimmy Carr pubsstoriespeople I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move. Jimmy Carr humorfunnymoving I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!" Jimmy Carr humormenfunny My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen. Jimmy Carr dadhumorfunny Put Smarties tubes on cats legs, make them walk like a robot. Jimmy Carr robotslegscat How many airports are there in the world? Jimmy Carr airportsworld See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol Jimmy Carr speak-no-evilhumorfunny The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly. Jimmy Carr humormenfunny There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault? Jimmy Carr girlfriendhumorfunny Let's face it, the gene pool needs a little chlorine. Jimmy Carr chlorinefaceslittles I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing. Jimmy Carr humorwatchesfunny I think the idea that death is not the end, that your dog's just gone to live on the farm, is limiting. Thoughts like that prevent you from making the most of the time that you have. Jimmy Carr dogideasthinking My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident. Jimmy Carr humorfunnyfather I was in the South of France. I saw a Brownie on a school trip. She was holding up a book. It said on the front 'rough guide'. I thought: 'Yeah' she's not a looker. Jimmy Carr sawsbookschool Women were quite terrifying until I was older. I think that's partly down to confidence. Jimmy Carr thinking No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea. Jimmy Carr humorgivingfunny It's so clear cut with a comedian - you have that reflex action, whereby you laugh or you don't. And so you either love us or you simply cannot see why people are laughing. Jimmy Carr cuttinglaughingpeople The 2012 Olympics is going to cost £8 billion which is a lot of money. It'll probably bankrupt London. But you can't put a price on two bronze medals in cycling. Jimmy Carr cyclinghumorfunny
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