If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something tha... by George Carlin

If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

George Carlin

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Israeli murderers are called "commandos," Arab commandos are call... by George Carlin

Israeli murderers are called "commandos," Arab commandos are called "terrorists."

terrorist murderer humorous

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

humor philosophy funny

I don't think drugs are a problem; I think they're a symptom. As long as Americans are empty, spiritually, emotionally, morally empty, they will need things like the drugs they choose to use. Mankind has wanted to change the way it felt from the beginning anyway. In this country there are even more reasons to want to feel different, to want to feel better, because this is such a neon sewer. This is such a degrading culture. It forces you to play Beethoven to your child in the uterus so that he will get into a better school and a better job and make more money so he can take care of you.

jobs country children

I am a personal optimist but a skeptic about all else. What may sound to some like anger is really nothing more than sympathetic contempt. I view my species with a combination of wonder and pity, and I root for its destruction. And please don't confuse my point of view with cynicism; the real cynics are the ones who tell you everything's gonna be all right.

real roots views

The habits of liberals, their automatic language, their knee-jerk responses to certain issues, deserved the epithets the right wing stuck them with. I'd see how true they often were. Here they were, banding together in packs, so I could predict what they were going to say about some event or conflict and it wasn't even out of their mouths yet. I was very uncomfortable with that. Liberal orthodoxy was as repugnant to me as conservative orthodoxy.

issues together wings

Hey! Who stole my collection of used bandages?! And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine!

hey collections used

People think life is real complicated. Actually, there's nothing to it. Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple.

real simple school

Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

eight clouds philosophy

Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.

philosophy long people

I respect animals. I have more sympathy for an injured or dead animal than I do for an injured or dead human being, because human beings participate and cooperate in their own undoing. Animals are completely innocent. There are no innocent human beings.

undoing innocent animal

The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers.. but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. Because you have the illusion of choice!

party philosophy country

I'm never critical or judgmental about whether or not a movie is any good. The way I look at it, if several hundred people got together every day for a year or so - a number of then willing to put on heavy makeup, wear clothes that weren't their own and pretend to be people other than themselves - and their whole purpose for doing all this was to entertain me, then I'm not gonna start worrying about whether or not they did a good job. The effort alone was enough to make me happy.

makeup jobs years

There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to f... by George Carlin

There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.

humorous challenges sides

I don't get all choked up about yellow ribbons and American flags. I see them as symbols, and I leave them to the symbol-minded.

ribbons flags yellow

Someone once said, if you scratch a cynic, and you'll find a disappointed idealist. That really rang a bell with me - because I recognized that, within me, there is this flame, of wishing it were better, wishing people had better lives, that there was more of an authentic sharing and harmony with nature.

flames wish people

Surround yourself with what you love. by George Carlin

Surround yourself with what you love.

keepsakes staying-young surround-yourself

The highly motivated people in society are the ones causing all the trouble. It's not the lazy unmotivated folks sitting in front of a TV eating potato chips who bother anyone.

lazy motivation people

I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck. by George Carlin

I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

humor funny two

Voting is a meaningless exercise. I'm not going to waste my time with it. These parties, these politicians are given to us as a way of making us feel we have freedom of choice. But we don't. Everything is done to you in this country.

party exercise country