If aliens are watching us through telescopes, they're going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge? Jerry Seinfeld More Quotes by Jerry Seinfeld More Quotes From Jerry Seinfeld The best revenge is living well. Jerry Seinfeld live-well wells revenge What I don't understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders. Jerry Seinfeld motivational inspirational funny See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to hold the reservation and that's really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them. Jerry Seinfeld reservations know-how important You can be passionate about anything. Jerry Seinfeld passionate We want to do a lot of stuff; we're not in great shape, we didn't get a good night's sleep, we're a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup. Jerry Seinfeld coffee good-night sleep Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death. Jerry Seinfeld crazy-ideas proven can-do The greatest Jewish tradition is to laugh. The cornerstone of Jewish survival has always been to find humor in life and in ourselves. Jerry Seinfeld jewish-tradition survival laughing Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur. Jerry Seinfeld funny-relationship men sex Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner. Jerry Seinfeld marriage love funny People should get married because they have finally seen the folly of being single: "Oh, this is all just kind of a bad magic trick. I just keep bending over to reach for this wallet on a string. How much longer am I gonna do that?" Jerry Seinfeld being-single magic people Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end. Jerry Seinfeld makeup color funny When men are growing up and they're reading about Batman, Spiderman, Superman ... those are not fantasies ... they're options. Jerry Seinfeld growing-up reading men Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. Jerry Seinfeld hilarious witty funny The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun. Jerry Seinfeld strangers-and-friends laughter fun I am a very organized person. I get up at 6:15 a.m., the kids get up at 6:45 a.m., and so I get up and get it in. I’m addicted to the high function. To me it’s a work thing - if you meditate, you can get so much work done. I always say to people you know how about three nights a year you get a good night sleep? You can have it every day with meditation. Jerry Seinfeld good-night sleep kids You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. Jerry Seinfeld crankiness comedy essence You know how your charger for your phone? It's like if you had a charger for your whole body and mind Jerry Seinfeld phones body mind You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, 'I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable. Jerry Seinfeld giving-up might world To me a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We're all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there's a problem, the lawyer is the only person that has actually read the inside of the top of the box. Jerry Seinfeld games country moving They seal the subway change-booth guy up inside this thing with bullet-proof glass, closed in on all sides, it's like some kind of Houdini torture tank of doom. How do you breathe in there? It looks like if you put your hand over the change slot, you could suffocate him in thirty seconds. Jerry Seinfeld glasses funny hands
