If aliens are watching us through telescopes, they're going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge? Jerry Seinfeld More Quotes by Jerry Seinfeld More Quotes From Jerry Seinfeld The less you know about a field, the better your odds. Dumb boldness is the best way to approach a new challenge. Jerry Seinfeld dumb odds challenges Everybody lies about sex. People lie during sex. If it weren't for lies, there'd be no sex. Jerry Seinfeld lying sex people I do not know why anyone would host an awards show. No matter how unbelievably well you do at it, the only thing that can happen is you get asked again to host an awards show. Jerry Seinfeld host awards matter Not that there's anything wrong with that. Jerry Seinfeld kramer thirsty memorable Elaine: Ugh, I hate people. Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst. Jerry Seinfeld ugh hate people I've compiled a book from the Internet. It's a book of quotations attributed to the wrong people. Jerry Seinfeld internet book people Can't you at least die with a little dignity? Jerry Seinfeld dignity dies littles The toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I'm like Grace Jones to them. "This guy is nuts-talking about socks. Where's the wife jokes, where's the fat jokes?" Jerry Seinfeld real night funny Fatherhood makes you cute. Women find bumbling fathers cute and attractive. Jerry Seinfeld fatherhood cute father Boy, I miss the days they made toys that could kill a kid. Jerry Seinfeld missing boys kids I feel like humor is the answer to everything. If you have a little bit of humor in the shaker and you can sprinkle that on, that's your answer. Jerry Seinfeld sprinkles answers littles Then, finally, the third year, begging the parents, I got the Superman Halloween costume. Cardboard box, self-made top, mask included. Remember the rubber band on the back of that mask? That was a quality item there, wasn't it? That was good for about 10 seconds before it snapped out of that cheap little staple they put it in there with. Jerry Seinfeld halloween self years Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? 'Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel. Jerry Seinfeld squirrels flower funny I have a problem with that silver medal. It's like, 'Congratulation s, you almost won. Of all the losers, you're the number one loser. No one lost ahead of you.' Jerry Seinfeld congratulations loser numbers Comedy is just complaining in an entertaining way, Enterplaining. Jerry Seinfeld comedy complaining way I am speechless: I have no speech Jerry Seinfeld speechless speech Success is the enemy of comedy. Jerry Seinfeld comedy enemy When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself. Jerry Seinfeld ridiculous costumes bees Sometimes they'll make little Play-Doh animals, and when they go to sleep, I'll break the heads off the animals and put them at the foot of their beds for them to discover in the morning. Nothing wrong with sending your kids a little Sicilian message. Jerry Seinfeld sleep morning kids Pain is usually represented by lightning attacking the guy. Glowing redness is also popular. Sometimes parts of the guy would just burst into flames. Jerry Seinfeld glowing flames pain
