If anyone thinks my show was 'pretty good,' then I've completely failed. Jay Mohr More Quotes by Jay Mohr More Quotes From Jay Mohr Women have it good when it comes to masturbation. Guys, we just have our hands. For the rest of our lives, that's it. Sometimes your friend will go, 'Ever try your left hand? It's like a whole different person.' Yeah, a retarded person. Jay Mohr guytryinghands What bothers me most about today is that we're getting used 2 it. ENOUGH. 2nd amendment must go. Violence has 2 stop. Culture MUST change. Jay Mohr guntodayculture I feel good. I'm much better. Actually, I just lost 10 pounds on a new diet called the flu. Has anyone tried that one out? Jay Mohr flufeel-goodpounds People are more interested in someone who goes on stage and tells the truth. Jay Mohr telling-the-truthgoes-onpeople You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over? Movie Day. Jay Mohr seniormoviefunny Whenever I don't feel so well, I always try remind myself of the Siamese twin whose brother is gay, whose boyfriend is coming over...and they share the same asshole. Jay Mohr gaybrothertrying If you think you're an alcoholic, go to Scotland. You're not an alcoholic. These people are such drunken, toothless hillbillies - I've never seen anything like it. People in Scotland drink while they're drinking. Jay Mohr scotlanddrinkingthinking I've always been very open about it. I've been very open about my addiction, about my panic disorder. But I think that transparency is what can separate you from others because I think that is where comedy is going. Jay Mohr panicaddictionthinking I miss third grade because you could kill people in dodgeball. Remember the rules to dodgeball? If you're fat or have glasses, don't show up because you'll die. Jay Mohr glassesmissingpeople The guy that designed girls' volleyball uniforms definitely never had daughters. Jay Mohr volleyballdaughtergirl I think golf is a waste of time and a waste of a sunny afternoon. I also stink at it. I have never found anything, including divorce and a sexual harassment suit, more frustrating. Jay Mohr divorcegolfthinking The jokes were perfect! Then George Carlin started talking about the seven dirty words you can't say on television, then it evolved into social commentary. Jay Mohr perfecttalkingdirty She's Cherokee Indian, which is great 'cause whenever we have sex, it rains. Jay Mohr causesrainsex After spending the last 15 years guest hosting, I couldn't be happier to get the opportunity to host my own show! I'm looking forward to talking sports, connecting with listeners, and interviewing amazing guests every day, while being a part of the FOX Sports Radio family. It was worth the wait. Jay Mohr opportunitysportsyears I think I made a mistake once... yeah... it was only once. Jay Mohr yeahmistakethinking I started to have panic attacks on stage and my wife just asked, "Why don't you just stop?" I was doing Ghost Whisperer at the time so I was making enough money where I could put it away and she said, "Then, when you go back, you just go up and tell the truth." And it's a lot more tiring. Jay Mohr panic-attackswifeghost Not everyone likes sports. Gandhi and Malcolm X come to mind. Jay Mohr likesmindsports When human beings stop progressing at an endeavor, they stop enjoying it and move on to something else. Not golfers. Masochists, all of them. Jay Mohr golfersprogressmoving I hate golf. I do not understand how anyone can enjoy it, much less love it. Jay Mohr i-hatehategolf People that do "bits" and "jokes" or "one-liners" are going by the wayside. Jay Mohr one-linerjokespeople
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