If finding an apartment is like falling in love, buying one is like proposing on your first date and agreeing not to see each other until the wedding. David Sedaris More Quotes by David Sedaris More Quotes From David Sedaris I'm the most important person in the lives of almost everyone I know and a good number of the people I've never even met. David Sedaris important numbers people If you aren't cute, you may as well be clever. David Sedaris clever may cute As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts. David Sedaris growing-up funny children But most good movies have a gun in them. David Sedaris good-movie gun I went from having 50 listeners to 50 million listeners. David Sedaris millions listeners Weird doors open. People fall into things. David Sedaris doors people fall In other parts of the country people tried to stay together for the sake of the children. In New York they tried to work things out for the sake of the apartment. David Sedaris new-york country children The drama bug strikes hardest with Jews, homosexuals and plump women who wear their hair in bangs. These are people who, for one reason or another, desperately crave attention David Sedaris hair drama people Hugh consoled me, saying, "Don't let it get to you. There are plenty of things you're good at." When asked for some examples, he listed vacuuming and naming stuffed animals. He says he can probably come up with a few more, but he'll need some time to think. David Sedaris smart animal thinking It's funny how certain objects convey a message - my washer and dryer, for example. They can't speak, of course, but whenever I pass them they remind me that I'm doing fairly well. "No more laundromat for you," they hum. My stove, a downer, tells me every day that I can't cook, and before I can defend myself my scale jumps in, shouting from the bathroom, "Well, he must be doing _something - _my numbers is off the charts." The skeleton has a much more limited vocabulary, and says only one thing: "You are going to die." David Sedaris skeletons vocabulary numbers I started typing diary in, I don't know, 1978 or '79, but then the computer changed that a lot. Because with the computer if you were writing and you realized you had three sentences in a row that started with the word "he," you could fix that right up, whereas on a typewriter you'd think, "Well, I'm not going to change the whole page. It's my diary." So that made a difference. David Sedaris computer writing thinking The trouble with aggressive nonsmokers is that they feel they are doing you a favor by not allowing you to smoke. They seem to think that one day you'll look back and thank them for those precious fifteen seconds they just added to your life. What they don't understand is that those are just fifteen more seconds you can spend hating their guts and plotting revenge. David Sedaris hate revenge thinking They were nothing like the French people I had imagined. If anything, they were too kind, too generous and too knowledgable in the fields of plumbing and electricity. David Sedaris fields judging people As a foreigner in London, I like that there are so many other foreigners. David Sedaris foreigners london travel I'd tried to straighten him out, but there's only so much you can do for a person who thinks Auschwitz is a brand of beer. David Sedaris auschwitz beer thinking Some friendships are formed by a commonality of interests and ideas: you both love judo or camping or making your own sausage. Other friendships are forged in alliance against a common enemy. David Sedaris camping enemy ideas I'm not a reporter but the 'New Yorker' treats everyone like a reporter. David Sedaris reporters new-yorkers treats Do I exaggerate? Boy, do I, and I'd do it more if I could get away with it. David Sedaris get-away ifs boys I always think it's a good policy to like the people who like you. David Sedaris like-you people thinking Their house had real hardcover books in it, and you often saw them lying open on the sofa, the words still warm from being read. David Sedaris real book lying
