If I paid ten dollars for a cigar, first I'd make love to it, then I'd smoke it. George Burns More Quotes by George Burns More Quotes From George Burns If I get big laughs, I'm a comedian. If I get little laughs, I'm a humorist. If I get no laughs, I'm a singer. George Burns comedian littles laughing Sex is the Universal Language in which nobody speaks; they don't have to. George Burns humorous funny sex Everyday happiness means getting up in the morning, and you can't wait to finish your breakfast. You can't wait to do your exercises. You can't wait to put on your clothes. You can't wait to get out. And you can't wait to come home, because the soup is hot. George Burns home morning happiness I'd say that about 82 percent of what I write is bad, but don't go by me; I'm as bad a judge as I am a writer. Look, if it were all good, you'd be paying twice as much for this book. George Burns reading funny book I'm onstage for an hour.I do an hour of stand-up. Actually, I do 10 minutes standing up and 50 minutes sitting in a chair. Oh, occasionally, I stand up again to do a dance or put over a song. But mostly I sit down. A great invention, sitting down. George Burns sitting-down great-inventions song The happiest people I know are the ones that are still working. The saddest are the ones who are retired. Very few performers retire on their own. It's usually because no one wants them. Six years ago Sinatra announced his retirement. He's still working. George Burns retirement people years As long as you're working, you stay young. George Burns aging work long Yale men do not like to be told anything by people who didn't go to Yale. The closest I came to Yale was once I had one of their padlocks. George Burns yale men people Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read. George Burns humorous sports funny Well, anybody can be a straight man if he hears well. You just have to wait for laughs. A straight man just repeats the questions and the comedian gets the laughs and you just wait for them and don't let them die completely at the tail end of the laugh. George Burns waiting laughing men Say Goodnight Gracie. George Burns saying-goodnight There are two kinds of cruises - pleasure and with children. George Burns funny children travel If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it. George Burns actors motivational inspirational Sex can be fun after eighty, after ninety, and after lunch! George Burns lunch fun sex I did go to school - my kind of school. When I was a kid I went out ... and you meet people. You talk to them. Anybody says something that makes sense, it stays with you, rubs off on you. That kind of school. George Burns kids people school I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age. George Burns humor age funny It's better to be happy doing something you love, even if you don't find success right away. George Burns something-you-love ifs motivational When I wasn't working, I put the blame directly where it belonged - I blamed my agent. When I didn't have an agent, I spent time looking for a new agent so I would have somebody to blame. George Burns agents blame funny I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect. George Burns aging taught age I like women to be attracted to me. See, when you get 60 years old, and they know you're 60, the only women you can get are 55-year-old women, and I like younger women. George Burns old-woman i-like-you years
