If I were blind, I'd wear a blindfold all the time. Demetri Martin More Quotes by Demetri Martin More Quotes From Demetri Martin If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half. Demetri Martin humorfunnymoving Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival. Demetri Martin choicesfunromantic The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience. Demetri Martin improvisationfeedbackthinking And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track. Demetri Martin looking-forwardtrackmorning To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I’ve got a problem or what it is that I am “looking at.” And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am “Get Him!" Demetri Martin shoestryingpeople The difference between a child's toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location. Demetri Martin adultsdifferenceschildren 99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks. Demetri Martin castlestanksamerica The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just balloons. Demetri Martin partypeoplethinking The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man. Demetri Martin clothesmenchildren I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don't have to hold things when I sleep. Demetri Martin pairspocketssleep I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and said "I have good news. You have severely underestimated that door over there. By like a hundred percent." Demetri Martin humordoorsfunny A power nap, is when you sleep on someone who's weaker than you Demetri Martin napssleep When they were naming vitamins they must have thought there were going to be way more vitamins than there ended up being. OK let's name these: Vitamin A, Vitamin B... ok man slow down we've got a lot to cover here. B2, B3, B4, B5, B6, B12. Then they got to E and they were like 'We're pretty much done. We've got all those damn B's. This is embarrassing. Let's just skip to K and get the hell out of here. Demetri Martin humormenfunny It's weird the way "finger puppet" sounds okay as a noun... ladies. Demetri Martin humorsoundfunny I like playing frisbee. It is the only sport where you can throw something at a person and it's okay. Demetri Martin frisbeeokaysports If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like Woah, this house is amazing. Demetri Martin housetreesometimes A Rubik's cube is equal to a drag queen. It's really colorful, but I don't wanna do it. Demetri Martin cubesdragqueens I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have abandonment issues" Demetri Martin issueshumorfunny Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!' Demetri Martin smellanswersfunny Cottonballs are an example of something I'd want to buy, but not have as a nickname. Demetri Martin nicknamesexamplewant
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