If you're a member of my family, whether immediate or extended, and you want to see my show, don't. Chelsea Handler More Quotes by Chelsea Handler More Quotes From Chelsea Handler Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either. Chelsea Handler humorsleepfunny I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather. Chelsea Handler humorhotfunny There's a reason you never see anyone's house with a Beware of Cat sign. Because they're not even worth mentioning. Chelsea Handler cathumorfunny What about your constitutional right to bear arms, you say. I would simply point out that you don’t have to exercise a constitutional right just because you have it. You have the constitutional right to run for president of the United States, but most people have too much sense to insist on exercising it. Chelsea Handler exerciserunningpeople Vomit and feces are two reason I have decided not to procreate. Chelsea Handler humorfunnytwo I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I've met smells like a bar in the daytime than listen to people tell my why I want to have children and that I just don't know it yet. I do know, because I'm me and my feelings are the ones in my head. I don't want to have kids, and it's not a device to get attention or have conversations about it. I simply find children incredibly immature and, more often than not, dumb. Chelsea Handler smellkidschildren My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking. Chelsea Handler drinkingfunnylying You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself. Chelsea Handler humornightfunny Another thing I take issue with are people who take their dogs on "play dates," or even worse, people who choose to dress their dogs up in outfits better suited for homosexuals participating in a gay pride parade. Dog costumes are right up there with something else I find particularly offensive: sweater vests. Chelsea Handler gaypridedog My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate. Chelsea Handler humorfunnylying Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver WHILE I was having a cocktail. Chelsea Handler couplehumorfunny Paris Hilton is going on a goodwill mission to Rwanda. It’s the first time an entire Third World country will have to get immunizations for a visitor. Chelsea Handler humorfunnycountry My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house. Chelsea Handler funnyfatherchildren He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound love for her. He was minutes from getting his first period. He wrote poems too. It's my personal belief that if men are writing poems, they're making up for something else like a big hair back, or one ball. Not that one ball is a bad thing. Especially since I don't know any females who are dying to their their hands on a set of balls. The way I see it, the less balls, the better. Chelsea Handler humorwritingfunny Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a king-sized bed to the other with a nurse's hat on while your father, who is also naked, is chasing her with a bandanna around his neck, is reason to put yourself up for adoption. Chelsea Handler kingsmotherfather I'm into politics, and I love watching the heavier news magazine shows. Chelsea Handler magazinesnewsshows People ask me why I'm so hard on men. It's because they've gotten a really easy ride. And it's not that I think women should take over the world. But I do think it should be 50/50. Chelsea Handler menpeoplethinking I’m a ridiculous person. If you take anything any comedian says seriously, then you’re stupid. Chelsea Handler ridiculouscomedianstupid The important thing is to be drunk. Chelsea Handler important-thingsdrunkimportant A hotel room all to myself is my idea of a good time. Chelsea Handler good-timesroomsideas
