Demetri Martin: If you really think about it, hitting the snooze butto...

I equals all of the ifs added up over time. The ifs, those are the possibilities; that's infinite for all of us. Every day there are just millions of them. Time, that's finite for each of us; there is no question there. Maybe if you divide choices by the amount of time you have, the real I can emerge, depending upon those choices.

Demetri Martin

infinite choices real

There is no I in Team, unless you count the vertical part of the T.

Demetri Martin

vertical there-is-no-i-in-team team

'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after "I love you"... or "You're going to live."

Demetri Martin

im-sorry love-you funny

Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.

Demetri Martin

suits plato names

Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice?

Demetri Martin

advice giving mean

Villains fear me because I am unpredictable and broccoli. See what I mean?

Demetri Martin

broccoli villain mean

I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.

Demetri Martin

astronaut space want

I was watching MTV and there were girls dancing in suspended cages. That would be an ambivalent situation: "I'm trapped! ...but enjoying the music".

Demetri Martin

girl humor funny

I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They're like: You look completely appropriate. You don't look stupid or lonely at all.

Demetri Martin

lonely stupid looks

To me, comedy is a game.

Demetri Martin

comedy games

Reality is a concept that depends largely upon where you point your face.

Demetri Martin

your-face faces reality

I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding; I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.

Demetri Martin

just-kids ridiculous would-be

Vampire fad just won't die. Makes sense, I guess.

Demetri Martin

fads vampire make-sense

A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.

Demetri Martin

addiction opposites moving

My policy is 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.'

Demetri Martin

glass-houses throwing stones

I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.

Demetri Martin

dream funny thinking

There's an old Russian saying that goes some way or another. I don't know it. I don't speak Russian. But sometimes I think about it and wonder if it's relevant to what I'm going through at the time. Probably not. I mean what do Russian know about hunger, anyway?

Demetri Martin

mean way thinking

Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks.

Demetri Martin

break-through rocks paper

Yes, okay, it's cool to be quirky, maybe, on the side. Do some puzzles, make puzzles, whatever, learn how to ride a unicycle. That's cool when it's on the side and you have a plan. What happens when you remove the plan? What you're left with is a guy who likes to do anagrams. And doesn't have a job... Sweet, that's a catch.

Demetri Martin

guy sweet jobs

A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.

Demetri Martin

motorcycle beautiful fall

If you really think about it, hitting the snooze button in the morning doesn't even make sense. It's like saying, 'I hate getting up in the morning-so I do it over... and over... and over again.'