If you see me doing a new stand-up special, it probably means I'v... by Denis Leary

If you see me doing a new stand-up special, it probably means I've been out of work for a while.

Denis Leary

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Categorized in : Mean Special Ifs

All knowledge is ultimately rooted in metaphorical (or analogical... by Denis Leary

All knowledge is ultimately rooted in metaphorical (or analogical) modes of perception and thought.

metaphorical rooted perception

You know why the French hate us so much? Thay gave us the croissant. And you know what we did with it? We turned it into our croissandwich, thank you very much.

hate humor funny

I'm sick and tired of our generation being called the TV generation. What do you expect? We watched Lee Harvey Oswald get his brains blown out all over. How could we change the channel after that?

tired humor funny

I'm gonna get one of those tracheotomies, so I can smoke two cigarettes at the same time! I'm gonna get nine tracheotomies, all around my neck, I'll be Tracheotomy Man! He can smoke a pack

humor men funny

I'm the Lord of the Dance! F-k Michael Flatley, it's me! by Denis Leary

I'm the Lord of the Dance! F-k Michael Flatley, it's me!

Peter Falk and Denis Leary today walked into a Starbucks and shot 27 people, without any announcement whatsoever.

humor funny people

Did you ever notice they never take any fat hostages? You never see a guy coming out of Lebanon going: "I was held hostage for seven months and I lost 175 pounds, I feel good and I look good and I learned self-discipline. That's the important thing."

humor self funny

Personally, I think Jim Henson said it best when he said "Anybody got an aspirin? I think I've got a cold."

humor funny thinking

I just think it's difficult for them to see the forest for the trees right now, which I can't blame them for, given the circumstances they found themselves in.

humor funny thinking

It became sort of a snowball effect, with guys trying to deal in their own way with 9/11, whether it was drinking or whatever.

humor drinking funny

The filter's the best part. That's where they put the heroin. by Denis Leary

The filter's the best part. That's where they put the heroin.

filters humor funny

When I become president, all you assholes that ride bikes in the city? Lock and load! You're going down!

locks cities president

I guess you get pigeon-holed in Hollywood, but I'm ok with that because I've been able to do a lot. I started in the theater, then I went to stand-up comedy, and then when I went into the movies to do comedy and drama and big movies and small movies.

hollywood able drama

Kids are incredibly expensive. But it pays off later when they are better educated, bigger, and better-looking than you. And find you incessantly boring and uncool.

bigger-and-better pay kids

I basically - I don't like tattoos, unless you're a firefighter who has a tattoo that has to do with that or a military guy. That's - those are people who should have tattoos.

tattoo military should-have

My charity is in the business of helping firefighters in any way that we can. For instance, after 9/11 we were the second-fastest charity to raise and distribute money to the widows and surviving family members of the 343 firefighters who died that day.

widows firefighter charity

My cousin Jerry Lucey and five other firefighters died in a warehouse fire in Worcester, Mass. - my hometown - right in the middle of our old neighborhood downtown when a homeless couple started a fire to keep warm and the entire building went up. My cousin died trying to save homeless people who had already left the building.

cousin couple fire

Here's the problem with Easter. The Catholic Church needs to pick a date because it keeps moving. And I think the reason they always have Easter moving to different dates is to catch us.

easter moving thinking

My kids watch everything downloaded; they have no idea what the numbers or the names of the channels mean, except "FX makes the show that I see on my computer." So it's harder to get a show on the air, but at the same time, there are a lot of terrific shows.

My nieces and my nephews think the only thing that I do is 'Ice Age.' That's fine with me because pretty soon they'll grow up enough to realize that I suck or that my time has passed, whichever it might be.

niece growing-up thinking