In Washington, the U.S. House passed a bill unanimously. Every single member of both parties voted for it. What was it? To deny Social Security benefits to Nazis. So from now on, no SS for the SS. Craig Ferguson More Quotes by Craig Ferguson More Quotes From Craig Ferguson On that same tour we ran into a band at Aylesbury Friars, a biggish venue in Oxfordshire, England. They were a four-piece from Ireland called U2. They seemed like nice fellows and they sounded pretty good, but we didn’t keep in touch. They’re probably taxi drivers and accountants by now. Craig Ferguson pieces band nice I realize that I am not a journalist. So anything I say is not important. Craig Ferguson journalist realizing important I don't just like sexual double entendres I love them, I stroke them, I milk them, I spank them when they're naughty. Craig Ferguson naughty humor funny If you can't trust, you can't be trustworthy. Craig Ferguson cant-trust-you trustworthy ifs It is Veterans Day, when we honor everyone who served in all of the campaigns. We honor them with dignity and respect, and of course mattress sales and tire discounts. Craig Ferguson veterans-day campaigns honor I am probably a pseudo-intellectual. Craig Ferguson pseudo-intellectuals pseudo intellectual The Danes are causing a bit of trouble. The kingdom of Denmark claimed the North Pole as their own. Hey, you can't just reach out and take something if you want it, Denmark. That's Russia's job. Craig Ferguson hey russia jobs Jeb Bush announced today on the Internet that he may run for president. The next presidential election could be Bush vs. Clinton. It will be like 1992 all over again except I won't be in rehab. Craig Ferguson presidential may running Things were very different back in 1992. There was unrest in the Middle East, we had a gridlocked Congress, and everybody was talking about Bill Cosby. Craig Ferguson middle-east different talking The White House announced plans to begin normalizing relations with Cuba - this as we're awkwardizing relations with Russia. Craig Ferguson russia white house All they teach you in drama school is how to do stage fights and be a pain in rehearsals. Craig Ferguson pain drama school Change is the law of God's mind and resistance to it is the source of all pain. Craig Ferguson pain law mind I dont know how to add things to my own wikipedia page. Craig Ferguson wikipedia pages add Former president Bill Clinton was elected on this very day in 1992. Clinton went on to leave quite a mark in the oval office... You mean the one on the sofa? Craig Ferguson office president mean The whole idea of re-releasing old movies does bother me a little bit. If they're going to re-release an old movie, I should be able to get in with my old ticket. Craig Ferguson doe littles ideas I don't get emails from my corporate overlords. Craig Ferguson corporate email I dropped out of high school when I was 16, after I had a huge argument with my English teacher over the meaning of the word 'existentialism.' Craig Ferguson existentialism teacher school It is a great day for the great state of Texas. The last person being tested for Ebola has come back clean. So Texas is now Ebola free. This was a big week for them. They're now free of Ebola - and Democrats. Craig Ferguson great-day ebola texas Democrats in state legislatures are at their lowest level since the 1920s. President Obama has a can't-miss strategy to save the party in 2016. He's leaving. Craig Ferguson leaving party missing Thank heaven Election Day is over. No more campaign ads, no more mud-slinging, no more candidates pretending they're straight. It's over! Craig Ferguson mud campaigns heaven
