Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories: those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost. Russell Baker More Quotes by Russell Baker More Quotes From Russell Baker Of all the people expressing their mental vacuity, none has a better excuse for an empty head than the newspaperman: If he pauses to restock his brain, he invites onrushing deadlines to trample him flat. Broadcasting the contents of empty minds is what most of us do most of the time, and nobody more relentlessly than I. Russell Baker empty-mindbrainpeople In an age when the fashion is to be in love with yourself, confessing to be in love with somebody else is an admission of unfaithfulness to one's beloved. Russell Baker fashionlove-youbirthday The people who are always hankering loudest for some golden yesteryear usually drive new cars. Russell Baker yesteryearcarpeople You can't enjoy light verse with a heavy heart. Russell Baker heavylightheart I've had an unhappy life, thank God. Russell Baker adversitythank-godhappy-life We honor ambition, we reward greed, we celebrate materialism, we worship acquisitiveness, we commercialize art, we cherish success and then we bark at the young about the gentle arts of the spirit. The kids know that if we really valued learning, we would pay our teachers what we pay our lawyers and stockbrokers. If we valued art, we would not measure it by its capacity to produce profits. If we regarded literature as important, we would remove it from the celebrity sweepstakes and spend a little money on our libraries. Russell Baker ambitionteacherart The lobbies of the new hotels and the Pan American Building exhale a chill as from the unopened Pharaonic tombs... And in their marble labyrinths there is an evil presence that hates warmth and sunlight. Russell Baker labyrinthhateevil Skins tanned to the consistency of well-traveled alligator suitcases. Russell Baker suitcasesconsistencyskins The best advice I can give anybody about going out into the world is this: Don't do it. I have been out there. It is a mess.... Russell Baker going-outadvicegiving Baltimore is permissiveness. The pleasures of the flesh, the table, the bottle, and the purse are tolerated with a civilized understanding. Russell Baker pursesunderstandingflesh Unpleasant questions are being raised about Mother's Day. Is this day necessary? . . . Isn't it bad public policy? . . . No politician with half his senses, which a majority of politicians have, is likely to vote for its abolition, however. As a class, mothers are tender and loving, but as a voting bloc they would not hesitate for an instant to pull the seat out from under any Congressman who suggests that Mother is not entitled to a box of chocolates each year in the middle of May. Russell Baker motherclassyears Though Americans talk a good deal about the virtue of being serious, they generally prefer people who are solemn over people who are serious. In politics, the rare candidate who is serious, like Adlai Stevenson, is easily overwhelmed by one who is solemn, like General Eisenhower. This is probably because it is hard for most people to recognize seriousness, which is rare, especially in politics, but comfortable to endorse solemnity, which is as commonplace as jogging. Russell Baker joggingseriouspeople Sending grown-ups up the wall is one of the things adolescence is all about. A few years ago it was done with rock 'n' roll music. Now at least they can do it quietly with a home computer. Russell Baker wallhomeyears A man writing a letter is a man in the act of thinking, and it was an exercise Reagan obviously enjoyed. After his first meeting with Gorbachev, for example, he sent a 'Dear Murph' letter about it to his old friend George Murphy, a former senator and actor who had once played Reagan's father in a film. Russell Baker exercisewritingfather The dirty work at political conventions is almost always done in the grim hours between midnight and dawn. Hangmen and politicians work best when the human spirit is at its lowest ebb. Russell Baker politicalgovernmentdirty Goat cheese... produced a bizarre eating era when sensible people insisted that this miserable cheese produced by these miserable creatures reared on miserable hardscrabble earth was actually superior to the magnificent creamy cheeses of the noblest dairy animals bred in the richest green valleys of the earth. Russell Baker animalfoodpeople When you're the only pea in the pod, your parents are likely to get you confused with the Hope diamond. Russell Baker peasconfusedparent The old notion that brevity is the essence of wit has succumbed to the modern idea that tedium is the essence of quality. Russell Baker qualityessenceideas I gave up on new poetry myself thirty years ago, when most of it began to read like coded messages passing between lonely aliens on a hostile world. Russell Baker Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three major categories - those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost. Russell Baker
