It is impossible for a cyclops to wink. Demetri Martin More Quotes by Demetri Martin More Quotes From Demetri Martin It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown. Demetri Martin donerealmeaningful A car alarm is a way for a car to tell everyone that its owner is an asshole. Demetri Martin alarmscarway I am what I eat. And I am this especially when I bite my nails. Demetri Martin nailsbites It is illegal to yell “fire” in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like “Flames!” or “Smoke maker!” or “Bad hot! Demetri Martin flamesfirehot A glove is a very literal looking hand puppet. Demetri Martin glovespuppetshands Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That guy won a gold medal in the Olympics" "Oh yeah, that's cool, i wanna watch the fat guy" "Come on dude, you can take that hill" Demetri Martin humorsportsfunny You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle. Demetri Martin forgivinguncleskissing A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. Demetri Martin persuasivedangerousdrunk A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay. Demetri Martin dreaminspirationalfunny I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born. Demetri Martin bungeebornjumping One thing I learned is that it's never OK to walk through a cemetery dressed as a mummy - even if that was a shortcut on the way to the costume party. Demetri Martin shortcutspartyway When I'm buying car insurance I ask myself, 'Which company has the most annoying and relentless commercials?' Demetri Martin advertisingcarbuying I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it... so I just added "ish" to every number. Demetri Martin brokenumbershands There is probably more invisible tape out there than we realize. Demetri Martin invisibletaperealizing The other night I was playing twister with some amputees. Demetri Martin twisteramputeesnight Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle. Demetri Martin turtlesnephewbaby I need to develop some patience - immediately. Demetri Martin needs I'm a body builder, but I don't use weights. I use snacks. It's kind of a different building process. Demetri Martin snacksdifferentuse There is a small, but important, difference between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool. Demetri Martin pooldifferencesimportant I like "Rock, Paper, Scissors Two-Thirds." You know. "Rock breaks scissors." "These scissors are bent. They're destroyed. I can't cut stuff. So I lose." "Scissors cuts paper." "These are strips. This is not even paper. It's gonna take me forever to put this back together." "Paper covers rock." "Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks." There should be "Rock, Dynamite with a Cutable Wick, Scissors." Demetri Martin cuttinghumorfunny
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