It's a historical thing, up to the 19th century the English hated the French. Then in the 20th century the English started to hate the Germans - as we began to move alphabetically through the map of the world. Now, the year 2000, we are fine with the Germans... but the Hungarians are pissing us off.

Eddie Izzard

Categorized in : Moving Years Hate

If there is a God, his plan is very similar to someone not having a plan.

Eddie Izzard

if-there-is-a-god plans ifs

If you've never seen an elephant ski, then you've never been on acid.

Eddie Izzard

acid elephants funny

Guns don't kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun).

Eddie Izzard

gun humorous funny

Honey bees are amazing creatures. I mean, think about it, do earwigs make chutney?

Eddie Izzard

honey mean thinking

Horseshoes are lucky. Horses have four bits of lucky nailed to their feet. They should be the luckiest animals in the world. They should rule the country. They should win all their horse races, at least. 'In the fifth race today, every single horse was first equal...one horse threw a shoe came in third...the duck was ninth...and five ran.'

Eddie Izzard

horse animal country

They’re not women’s clothes. They’re my clothes. I bought them.

Eddie Izzard

clothes

I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.

Eddie Izzard

just-believe believe people

If you get anything creative going, then the work and play thing is the same thing, I feel.

Eddie Izzard

creative play feels

I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.

Eddie Izzard

sarcasm sarcastic funny

You have no control over your cat! You can't say to your cat, "Cat, heel! Stay! Wait! Lie down! Roll over!" 'Cause the cat's just gonna be sitting there going, "Interesting words ... have you finished?" While you're shouting all this to your cat, your dog's next to you, going ... [mimes obeying all commands] "What the hell are you doing? I'm talking to the cat!" "Oh, I'm sorry!"

Eddie Izzard

dog sorry lying

MAC gave me 55 lipsticks to test. These are the same lipsticks I got caught stealing by the police when I was 15. How ironic.

Eddie Izzard

ironic police tests

The Death Star is just full of British actors opening doors and going,Oh... I... oh... What is it Lieutenant Sebastian? It's just the Rebels, sir... they're here. My God, man! Do they want tea? No, I think they're after something a bit more than that, sir. I don't know what it is, but they've brought a flag. Damn, that's dash cunning of them.

Eddie Izzard

stars men thinking

Because we all know one of the main factors of war is the element of surprise. And what could be more surprising than the First Batallion Transvestite Brigade? Airborne Wing.

Eddie Izzard

elements wings war

What was the first cat that talked a human into putting a cat door in?

Eddie Izzard

cat doors firsts

Someone's killed 100,000 people. We're almost going, "Well done! You killed 100,000 people? You must get up very early in the morning! I can't even get down the gym. Your diary must look odd: 'Get up in the morning, death, death, death, death, death, death, death - lunch - death, death, death - afternoon tea - death, death, death - quick shower ...' "

Eddie Izzard

lunch morning funny

Cats have a scam going - you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that's the deal.

Eddie Izzard

scams going-away cat

I'm into humanity. I don't believe in God, but I believe in human beings.

Eddie Izzard

humans humanity believe

I wear whatever I want whenever I want. I don't call it drag; I don't even call it cross-dressing. It's just wearing a dress.

Eddie Izzard

crosses dresses want

I want to be a taxidermist! I wanna fill animals with sand. I wanna get more sand into an animal than anybody has ever bloody got in one. I wanna fill a rat with the entire Gobi Desert, so it’s really quite tight.

Eddie Izzard

desert want animal

I'm working on a speed boat at the moment. Much more exciting. It'll really kick ass, give great photographs for the people in Bible.

Eddie Izzard

kick-ass giving people