It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up. Joan Rivers More Quotes by Joan Rivers More Quotes From Joan Rivers Victoria Beckham is so nasty, why doesn't she just go home?! Her dresses are beautiful, but I don't care what she does. She's mean to all the people around her. She's too short to be a diva. We all use the same hairdressers, make-up artists, limo-drivers and greeters at the airports in LA and nobody has anything nice to say about her. They say she's rude. She can't always just be having a bad day. Joan Rivers nicebeautifulmean If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn't scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that. Joan Rivers horsetwobelieve Learn what not to expect. Irish catholic they get sh**** little rings. Irish women get crappy rings. Baptist get the worst because they get the rings under water. When it comes up, it's garbage. Jewish, big rings. Episcopalian big rings. Italians-the best, because they get them off of dead people, and second wives get the biggest rings of all. Joan Rivers fashionwaterpeople A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don't want to go through menopause again. Joan Rivers dogtwoyears When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn't wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby. Joan Rivers husbandshould-havebaby Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you're okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone. Joan Rivers okaycomedygone My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks. Joan Rivers love-lifemissingmemorable I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, 'Let me help you with those buttons' and I told him, 'I'm completely naked'. Joan Rivers buttonshusbandnight A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: "Run your own race, put on your blinders." Joan Rivers vegasracerunning I have no sex appeal. If my husband didn't toss and turn, we'd never have had any kids. Joan Rivers husbandmemorablesex On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell. Joan Rivers dietswhitelaughing Half of all marriages end in divorce- and then there are the really unhappy ones. Joan Rivers divorceinsightfulbreakup You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it. Joan Rivers sexyfashionmemorable My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know. Joan Rivers humorousmotherchildren Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top. Joan Rivers swimmingmemorableart Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin. Joan Rivers hillariousmayonnaiseaspirin She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven. Joan Rivers stupidwarfunny If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly. Joan Rivers uglygaymilitary Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you. Joan Rivers tailored-suitsclothesfashion I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout. Joan Rivers husbandhumorfunny
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