It's easy to smile when you have a squirrel's intellect. Dylan Moran More Quotes by Dylan Moran More Quotes From Dylan Moran Now I'm not an expert at mathematics, but I calculated it would take at least three of me to take on one third of one of them, even if they were attacking me with just their arse. Dylan Moran humorexpertsfunny I dont watch a whole lot of stand up. Mainly I prefer to read writers; they make me laugh the most. Something gets you when youre alone and someones voice is coming through their work. Theres a different quality to it that stays with you a bit more. Dylan Moran qualityvoicelaughing You have to assume that you're talking to the most intelligent, tuned-in audience you could ever get. That's the way you're going to get the best out of people. Whether they know you or not shouldn't matter for comedy. They should get to know you pretty quickly. and they should be having a good time pretty quickly. Dylan Moran intelligenttalkingpeople There are two types of wine essentially, and everybody knows this. There's the one where you drink it and go, "Mmmm, well that's ok, can we get 8 of those please, give us 8 of those." There's the other one, you know, where you go "Ga... bt... Jesus, WHAT is that?" Very, very occasionally I concede you will hit a subtle one. You know, where you go "Ga... ba... ah, actually that's not that bad, that is. It's quite nice." Dylan Moran nicefunnyjesus I can't relax here. These people have no pubic hair anywhere. We have pubic hair on the ceiling. Dylan Moran humorhairfunny All the shy people are doomed! Natural selection favors the loud and the aggressive Dylan Moran favorsshypeople I have to say, as much I am respectful of people's faith and the idea of it being necessary for them, but when it comes to the Catholic church as an organization I don't have one scintilla of compassion, understanding, anything. I just think they're the most heinous, corrupt, separatingly vile organization that's ever been on the planet. Dylan Moran organizationcompassionthinking You're supposed to eat the cows. They're great big lumbering stupid things - they'd be everywhere if we didn't eat them. Dylan Moran humorstupidfunny You should be as alive as you can, until you're totally dead! Dylan Moran alivehumorfunny Men look at breasts the way women look at babies. 'Aw, isn't that lovely?' Dylan Moran humorbabyfunny What's the weather like? ... It's fierce mild! Dylan Moran fierceweather When you say 'Bedtime, bedtime, bedtime!' that's not what the child hears. What the child hears is 'Lie down in the dark... for hours... and don't move... I'm locking the door now.' Dylan Moran funnylyingchildren I think that women just have a primeval instinct to make soup, which they will try to foist on anybody who looks like a likely candidate. Dylan Moran humorfunnythinking If you're a comic, you don't have a rehearsal room; you rehearse on stage. My main concern is remembering everything. I've written lots of material, but how do you memorise 90 minutes? That's one hell of a long speech. I've always had problems with that. Dylan Moran rehearsalspeechlong Stand-up came naturally to me because people in Ireland talk. But that's not talking on panel shows; it is structured fun. It reminds me of some tragic aunt clapping her hands and bouncing into a room and announcing we should all play games... and if we don't we are all a rotten spoilsport. Dylan Moran auntfunhands There's always a host of voices you're inspired by. I love Don DeLillo, and I love Isaac Bashevis Singer, and I love Beckett, and I love Pinter. He's one of the funniest voices in English literature since Dickens. Dylan Moran singersvoiceliterature You try various things when you're growing up. I was an attache in the Foreign Service for a while and then I drove a bulldozer, but neither of those panned out for me so it had to be stand-up. Dylan Moran growing-uphumorfunny Vodka! That's a child's drink, why am I drinking this stupid drink, oh and why am I on a traffic island? Dylan Moran stupidfunnychildren You know, just sometimes, in between the first cigarette with coffee in the morning to that four hundredth glass of cornershop piss at 3am, you do sometimes look at yourself and think...This is fantastic. I'm in heaven. Dylan Moran coffeemorningthinking Men don't know anything! Men don't know when their lives became so entirely awful, when everyone else turned into such a tosser! A man does not know how he came by the half a pie he is holding in his hand. And scientists - those frauds - seize on this, and try to use it as proof of the mysteries of human consciousness and the unknowable nature of the brain, which is rubbish! Dylan Moran piemenhands
