Jesse Ventura is basically proof that the people of Minnesota are not social drinkers... they are obviously alcoholics. Lewis Black More Quotes by Lewis Black More Quotes From Lewis Black The kids say golf taught them this and that. I get it with the military: A guy joins the military because he needs discipline and has to find himself. But don't tell me, 'Golf helps you find yourself.' I've been playing my whole life, and I'm still looking for myself. Lewis Black military golf kids Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas. Lewis Black humor funny ideas These ballot initiatives remind us that America is the land where people are free to dream whatever they want, so long as that dream doesn't make Midwesterners feel icky! Lewis Black land dream america I would like to play Pebble Beach at some point. I keep waiting for them to call and ask me to that little pro-am thing, but I'm not big enough. Lewis Black waiting play beach Whenever someone says they believe the earth was created in 7 days, I grab a fossil and say, Fossil. And if they keep talking, I throw it just over their heads. Lewis Black earth talking believe As psychotic as it gets outside, the comic can be more psychotic. Lewis Black comic psychotic When I was a kid, you ate, and you drank, and you passed out and nobody woke you up and said, 'Let's go shopping. Lewis Black shopping said kids We don't have seasons anymore. You know why? We lost the ozone layer. Well, put it on milk cartons - let's find it! Lewis Black ozone layers milk On the plane was a Time magazine and there was a 30 page article on diabetes, and I read every page. By the time that plane landed, I had diabetes. Lewis Black planes magazines pages Here's why I think there's something a little odd with George Bush. Because a lot of the times when he speaks, his words don't match his face. Something is askew. You can't talk about the war with a smile on your face. He does it constantly. If you're the President, you should go We're going to talk about the war, I must have a frowny face. The only time you can smile when you're talking about the war in Iraq is when you go, Well, two Iraqis walk into a bar, hahaha. Lewis Black talking war thinking In four days, I experienced five seasons. It was thirty, it was sixty, it was ninety, then it was twelve! And on the last day, there was thunder, lightning, and snow - together! And I hadn't done drugs. Lewis Black drug together snow [The Weather Channel] is the most watched cable channel in America. I'll repeat that. It is the most watched cable channel in America. They were worried about the terrorists immobilizing us, and a portion of our countrymen watch weather. 'Kay, you don't get any more immobile than that... unless you're in a goddamn coma. That means you're saying, "I'd go to the window, but it's too far." If you want to know what the weather is you go to a window and stick your hand out and if you want to know what the temperature is you drive by a bank. Lewis Black weather mean hands Nyquil comes in two colors, red and green, and it's the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green. Lewis Black green color two Some people have religion as a means of solace. But, I had a dreidel, so that was out. Lewis Black mean people religion People would be a lot better off if they'd enjoy being single. Lewis Black being-single would-be people I'm a selfish, little pig of a man. Lewis Black selfish pigs men I think that many things that go on in an art school have a tendency to undermine confidence, and that shouldn't be part of the ballgame, ever. Lewis Black art school thinking I do have certain feelings. My feeling is that whoever is in charge, I want him out. Lewis Black want-him want feelings I think one reason people play golf is it allows them to obsess about something other than the daily crap. It takes your mind off that. Lewis Black play golf thinking See... What I felt they should have done, for our first public works project, is build a giant wall... across the entire border of Canada. Because that's where the cold air comes from. Lewis Black wall should-have air
