Joke stealing is a big deal to me, but I mean, I'm not going to investigate it if it doesn't effect me directly. Greg Giraldo More Quotes by Greg Giraldo More Quotes From Greg Giraldo Even before the kids are born, you've go to make these decisions. If it's a boy, do we get him circumcised? If it's a girl, do we keep her? Greg Giraldo girl boys kids You think they could stop putting these experts on the news with their doomsday scenarios of how the terrorists might attack us? Because you get the sense they're coming up with ideas that these people haven't thought of themselves. Greg Giraldo people ideas thinking Little did I know that earning a living at stand-up is the hardest thing you can do. But once I started doing it, I just loved it, and I realized that I was actually kinda good at it, and then that was it. Greg Giraldo hardest littles earning We're a spoiled, lazy culture, full of ethnic pride that has to have a parade for every nationality. Greg Giraldo lazy pride culture Norm MacDonald is here - one of the funniest people ever. Norm's got a giant gambling problem. He's dropped more coin in a casino than Michael J. Fox at a parking meter. Greg Giraldo parking-meters gambling people A good joke provides tension, and then, release of that tension. You build the tension by saying things that are controversial. The release is the laugh. The bigger the surprise or insight in your joke, the bigger the laugh. Greg Giraldo controversial surprise laughing On a day-to-day basis, you get tired of waiting to be accepted. In show business, someone else has to say that you're good or that you're worth going to see or worth taping a show. There's a lot of pain here. There's a lot of pain inside. I'm a sad, crying-on-the-inside kind of clown. Greg Giraldo tired pain waiting I've always had real trouble knowing what my actual desires and goals are. I've just been dragged along by fate. Greg Giraldo fate knowing real It's something like 70% of American adults are obese, and the rest of them are women on Ally McBeal. Greg Giraldo ally-mcbeal allies adults Some people are just really goofy kind of guitar acts, and they go out and do these colleges and start making a fortune pretty early on. And other people - I know guys who are great comics, who've done the Letterman show many times, who still barely pay their bills. Greg Giraldo guitar college people Some people say Larry the Cable Guy's only successful because he's pandering to the lowest common denominator, blatantly and not ironically exploiting people's racist and homophobic tendencies. Don't listen to these people, Larry. They're just bitter and jealous and right. Greg Giraldo jealous successful funny We need more money for schools. We need more money for the kids. Ever think maybe the damn kids aren't worth it? Greg Giraldo kids school thinking There hasn't been a more effeminate Jew in the closet since Anne Frank. Greg Giraldo frank jew closets You got a cop under five feet tall, what if he's gotta plant evidence on a high shelf? What then? What if he's gotta chase a suspect onto a ride at Disneyland? Greg Giraldo cop what-if feet There are more whipped guys on television than there were on the Amistad. Greg Giraldo guy television All the evidence we need that God is angry with us is Justin Timberlake's career. Greg Giraldo evidence careers needs Why do we need another station where everyone has a gun? We already have BET. Greg Giraldo stations gun needs Look at Thomas Jefferson. The guy had illegitimate kids in the 1700s, and they caught him last year. If you cheat on your wife and cover it up for 200 years, you're pretty much thinking you're home free. Greg Giraldo home kids thinking People come to this country from all over the world to pursue their dreams of driving a taxi or selling hot dogs or working in a sweatshop. Greg Giraldo dog dream country Jesse has opened for me extensively on the road so I’ve seen him do hundreds of sets. He is always super funny, has tons of material and the crowds love him. Bottom line, Jesse Joyce is a great comedian. Greg Giraldo crowds comedian lines
