Joke stealing is a big deal to me, but I mean, I'm not going to investigate it if it doesn't effect me directly. Greg Giraldo More Quotes by Greg Giraldo More Quotes From Greg Giraldo My advice to graduates is to stay positive. Life is short, and you'll be dead soon. Greg Giraldo positive-life stay-positive life-is-short The reality is I'm not this person with this driving 'get it done' attitude. Greg Giraldo done attitude reality The hardest part, for real, is probably when you just don't feel like going on stage and being funny. Greg Giraldo hardest stage real When I heard you could get a disease from playing with your prairie dog, I thought, 'Wow, what a euphemism.' I thought playing with my prairie dog was the best way to avoid diseases. Greg Giraldo wow disease dog Edible underwear?... even during sex, we can't stop eating. Greg Giraldo underwear eating sex If I drive my SUV I'm supporting terrorism. Okay, I'll take a taxi, Is that better? Greg Giraldo suvs driving terrorism The internet's a creepy thing, especially if you have kids. It says something very creepy about the fact that I use the same machine to masturbate with as I use to teach my kid the alphabet. Greg Giraldo machines creepy kids When I masturbate I fantasize about having my own apartment. I used to think about Cindy Crawford now I think about leaving a dish in the sink overnight. Greg Giraldo leaving used thinking It's hard to distinguish when I was actually struggling from when I only felt like I was struggling - which was pretty much always. Greg Giraldo hard felt struggle Gilbert Gottfried is famously cheap. I'm impressed you're here Gilbert. You gotta buy new clothes and take a week off work just to do this. But you showed up. You tightened your belt and you came. You're like David Carradine. Greg Giraldo belts clothes week If they [peple] really hate you, that means you're doing something right. Greg Giraldo hate-you hate mean If you spend five minutes with me or watch me try to balance my checkbook, you can only imagine the disaster I would make of anyone's legal issues. Greg Giraldo issues balance trying If being a gangster were a prerequisite to being a musician, there'd be a lot less cello music, for example. Greg Giraldo gangsters musician example A dangerous fire retardant chemical is being found in women's breast milk. My wife's breastfeeding, but you know, you gotta be an optimist. I'm like, well, maybe it's making my child fireproof. Greg Giraldo wife fire children How many of you text message? It's a great way of not communicating. Greg Giraldo text-message messages way Ice-T is so old that the first thing he bought with the money from his album sales was his freedom. Greg Giraldo albums ice firsts The only reason we're not in Iran now is because we're going alphabetically and George Bush can't spell. Greg Giraldo spells iran reason Americans are not gonna conserve. We're not gonna shift to smaller cars. We can't - we have big, fat kids. Greg Giraldo car bigs kids The things that make me laugh are considered smart or whatever, I guess. But stuff that's self-consciously intelligent or self-consciously hip or cool, that doesn't do it for me either. You just try to be funny. Greg Giraldo smart intelligent self The reality is I'm not a 'get knocked down and come back harder' kind of guy. Greg Giraldo down-and guy reality
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