Knock Knock. Who's there? The Truth. No joke. Stephen Colbert More Quotes by Stephen Colbert More Quotes From Stephen Colbert Opinions are like demo tapes. I don't want to hear yours Stephen Colbert tape opinion want First, [in high school], I smoked a lot of pot...and that's how I got to know the people 'half in' the society of my high school and we waved at each other over the bong. Then I got to know people by making jokes. Stephen Colbert weed people school Thankfully, dreams can change. If we'd all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses. Stephen Colbert cowboy princess dream The shamrock is a religious symbol. St. Patrick said the leaves represented the trinity: the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. That's why four leaf clovers are so lucky, you get a bonus Jesus. Stephen Colbert religious father jesus I'd forgotten what an honest sandwich it is. For those of you not familiar, 'BLT' stands for 'bacon, lettuce, and tomato.' A lot of people think the 'B' stands for 'bread,' and I can understand someone not wanting a lettuce and tomato sandwich. But, the bread is implied in the word 'sandwich.' Anyway, it's an American original. Everyone should have a BLT as soon as they can. Stephen Colbert should-have people thinking Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority. Stephen Colbert superiority dedicated atheism There's nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious. Stephen Colbert taffy stretching delicious Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt. Stephen Colbert yogurt inspiring graduation Take away the Big Bang and what has God done? Burned a bush and got a girl pregnant. Great, he's a high school junior. Stephen Colbert bangs girl school Isn't an agnostic just an atheist without balls? Stephen Colbert balls atheism atheist Cynics always say no. Saying yes leads to knowledge. So for as long as you have the strength to, say yes. Stephen Colbert saying-yes cynicism long It's official. Highway patrolmen are not susceptible to the Jedi Mind Trick. Stephen Colbert highways tricks mind I love the Internet, and the Internet loves me back. Why else would it offer me so much sex? Stephen Colbert offers internet sex Obama avoided the Vietnam draft with a letter from his family doctor diagnosing him as medically eight. Stephen Colbert vietnam doctors eight I don't like the new president who hunts muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a muslim extremist. Stephen Colbert muslim-extremists hunts president Why would we go to war on women? They don't have any oil. Stephen Colbert oil war I'm not going to name any names, but let's just say, I want to do jokes on Donald Trump so badly, and I have no venue. So right now, I'm just dry Trumping. Stephen Colbert dry names want Sure, integrating schools may sound benign. But whats the use of living in a gated community if my kids go to school and get poor all over them? Stephen Colbert community kids school I may not agree with what you have to say but I will fight you to the death for the right to fight you to the death. Stephen Colbert agree fighting may I love the truth. It's the facts I'm not a fan of. Stephen Colbert fans facts
