Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up! Mitch Hedberg More Quotes by Mitch Hedberg More Quotes From Mitch Hedberg I get the Reese's candy bar. You look at that, there's an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar, and a guy named Reese comes by and says, "Gimme that", you better hand it over. Mitch Hedberg humor funny mean I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us. Or they thought we were OK. Mitch Hedberg humor funny people When it comes to racism, you hear people say, "I don't care if people are white, black, purple or green." Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere. Mitch Hedberg purple humor funny I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said, "Screw it. Cut 'em up!" Mitch Hedberg cutting humor funny I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones. Mitch Hedberg lasts humor funny An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. Mitch Hedberg stairs convenience break I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car. Mitch Hedberg car humor funny Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee. Mitch Hedberg lonely humor funny Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don't do it. One day I'm gonna, though. You bet your ass, I will have a beret on. That's ridiculous, but it's true. I always fight with wearing a beret. Mitch Hedberg fashion humor funny I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes. Mitch Hedberg humor light funny I bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to be scratched. Shoot! I will not know if I have won! Mitch Hedberg scratches humor funny I think a rotisserie is like a really morbid ferris wheel for chickens. It’s a strange piece of machinery . . . We will take the chicken, kill it, impale it, and then rotate it. And I’ll be damned if I’m not hungry! Because spinning chicken carcasses make my mouth water! I like dizzy chicken. With a side of potatoes of some sort. Mitch Hedberg mouths water thinking Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen. Mitch Hedberg kings sorry funny If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here!" Mitch Hedberg humor house funny I like it when you buy something and pay with a credit card, they put your credit card on the receipt, but only the last four numbers. Aha! I'm really good at guessing twelve numbers. I can't guess 16 numbers, so thanks for the assistance! Mitch Hedberg humor numbers funny I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn. Then, someone cuts you off, you press the horn, and nothing happens. You're like, "Crap! I wish I hadn't seen Ricky on the sidewalk!" Mitch Hedberg cutting humor funny I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart. Mitch Hedberg humor funny people Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny! Mitch Hedberg comedy clouds funny At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I need to dial 9 I say Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick. Mitch Hedberg humor real funny Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show. Mitch Hedberg humor night funny
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