Left to my own vices, all I would own is a Corvette, and it would be broken down. Bill Engvall More Quotes by Bill Engvall More Quotes From Bill Engvall I called my pilot 2 weeks before I flew and asked him, I don't want to get sick, what should I eat? He said, Peanut Butter. I said, If I eat peanut butter then I won't get sick? He said, no, but it tastes the same comin' up as it does goin' down. Bill Engvall peanut-buttersicktaste Did you ever notice all the items on a honey do list are dangerous. Clean gutters, put light in shower, patch roof. It's a honey die list. Bill Engvall gutterslighthoney I think my wife puts up with me 'cause I try. I think that's all any guy can do is just try. That's right! 'Cause we ain't never gunna get it. 'Cause as soon as we get close you ladies change it. It's like this memo goes out, 'they're getting close, change it, change it!' Bill Engvall wifeguythinking Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail. You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don't know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges. Bill Engvall pieceswarsex How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered? Bill Engvall hard I've about decided if it wasn't for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you're just hangin' out with your buddies. Bill Engvall hellgaysex I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass? Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died. I must've burned ants for an hour, just laughing. Then I saw one on my arm. Let me tell you something, when you burn yourself with a magnifying glass, you're on your own. You can't even tell your mom, because she gives that face, Oh, he is that stupid. Bill Engvall momstupidkids God, she's growing up, and I don't know when it happened, man. I used to buy her Minnie Mouse panties and little Winnie the Pooh underwear. I was helping my wife fold cloths. I picked up a pair of skimpy underwear. I looked at my wife and said: "When you gonna wear these for me?" She goes, "I can't. They're your daughter's." "Aaaaaaahhhhhh! No, No, No!" There was nothing to them! The how-to-wash tag was the biggest piece of cloth on there. Bill Engvall growing-updaughtermen When the bus driver gets off the bus, who shuts the door? Bill Engvall bus-driverbusdoors No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there's Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum. Bill Engvall uncleshumorfunny Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button. Bill Engvall humormorningfunny When you're doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can't get on TV. There's not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you. Bill Engvall feelingslooksworld Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, "Hey... We don't hit". He looked at me like, "Here's your sign, Dad". Bill Engvall dadyesterdayson Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey. Bill Engvall flyingcloudsneeds I was sitting on a plane that is traveling towards Seattle. And the guy next to me turns and says to me Hey, you going to Seattle?. Nope, San Francisco... I'll be parachuting off in about an hour. Here's your sign! Bill Engvall san-franciscoguysitting As we're staggering out of the hospital, I don't remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed "Hey! I'd better not see this on YouTube!" Bill Engvall humorfunnyrooms I know at least two people who have never been killed by hippos. Bill Engvall hippotwopeople The human brain doesn't come with an instruction manual. Bill Engvall humansinstructionbrain In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family. Bill Engvall airplanebrothercountry God was havin' himself a good day when he made boobs. He must've stepped back from Eve and said, Yes ma'am! Those'll work. Bill Engvall good-daymadesaid
