Martha Stewart showed up at Manhattan FBI Headquarters to have her finger prints taken and pose for a mug shot. Then Martha explained how to get ink off your fingers using seltzer water and lemon juice. Conan O'Brien More Quotes by Conan O'Brien More Quotes From Conan O'Brien The results of a new study are out this week saying that New Jersey is one of the most livable states in the country. The study has a margin of error of 100 percent. Conan O'Brien jerseyerrorscountry A comic book publisher says he's trying to increase voter turnout in the presidential election by publishing comic books about John McCain and Barack Obama. Yeah, the publisher said that the election comic books are targeted at first-time voters and long-time virgins. Conan O'Brien presidentiallongbook In New York, we had primary elections for mayor. To improve their chances, all five candidates changed their name to Rudy Giuliani. Conan O'Brien changenew-yorknames Republicans have called for a National African-American Museum. The plan is being held up by finding a location that isn't in their neighborhood. Conan O'Brien african-americanlocationmuseums Pamela Anderson Lee released a statement confirming that she has had her breast implants removed. Doctors say that Pamela is doing fine and that her old implants are now dating Charlie Sheen. Conan O'Brien finedatingdoctors Early on, they were timing my contract with an egg timer. Conan O'Brien timingcontractseggs The nightmare is you spend the rest of your life being funny at parties and then people say, 'Why didn't you do that when you were on television?' Conan O'Brien partypeopletelevision In Cleveland there is legislation moving forward to ban people from wearing pants that fit too low. However, there is lots of opposition from the plumber' union. Conan O'Brien clevelandpeoplemoving The big story today, Barack Obama was accused of insulting Sarah Palin when he criticized Republican policies by saying, you can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig. Political experts say that if Obama keeps insulting Palin, he could lose the election and win a job at MSNBC. Conan O'Brien winningpigsjobs Tom Cruise's attorney said he is going to sue anyone who claims he is gay. In a related story, Ricky Martin's attorney has been hospitalized for exhaustion. Conan O'Brien suinggaystories People all over the world now are following our election. And according to a new international poll that just came out, I think this came out a few hours ago, this is true, people in Canada want Barack Obama to be the next U.S. president. That's what they're saying. In Canada, yeah. That makes sense, because Obama has the support of Canada's anti-war voters, as well as Canada's black guy. He is very excited. Conan O'Brien warpeoplethinking All the major networks declared Barack Obama the winner at 11 last night, except for MSNBC, which declared Obama the winner six months ago. Conan O'Brien six-monthslastsnight There is some good news for John McCain. According to the latest polls, which came out today, John McCain has started to open up a lead over Barack Obama. This is true. Yeah. The USA Today poll has McCain ahead by ten points. The 'CBS News' poll has the two tied. And the MSNBC poll says that Obama won the election last week. Conan O'Brien usanewstwo President Bush left for Canada today to attend a trade summit. Reportedly, the trade summit got off to an awkward start when the president pulled out his baseball cards. Conan O'Brien awkwardpresidentbaseball People looking into Barack Obama's campaign contributions say that Obama may have received $3.3 million from abroad. Yeah. It turns out that broad is Oprah Winfrey. Conan O'Brien campaignsmaypeople Barack Obama was speaking to a Jewish group, and he told them that his name Barack is the same as the Jewish word 'baruch,' which means one who's blessed. That's what he said, yeah. Obama had a harder time explaining his middle name, Hussein. Things got quiet there. Conan O'Brien blessednamesmean Barry Bonds in the news. Yesterday Barry Bonds' agent said that Bonds could hit as many as 1,000 home runs. And the agent admitted he's on more drugs than Barry Bonds. Conan O'Brien yesterdayhomerunning There are few things more liberating in this life than having your worst fear realized... Your path at 22 will not necessarily be your path at 32 or 42. One's dream is constantly evolving, rising and falling, changing course. Conan O'Brien risingdreamfall Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you watch a lot of Cartoon Network and drink mid-price Chardonnay at 11 in the morning. Conan O'Brien cartoonmorningwatches You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses, and he wears a beret. He is French, people. Conan O'Brien laughterhatefunny
