Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world to stuff the ballot. Daniel Tosh More Quotes by Daniel Tosh More Quotes From Daniel Tosh I don't know what's more embarrassing in this country, that Michael Phelps fell from the graces for smoking marijuana or that you looked up to a swimmer in the first place? Daniel Tosh marijuanasmokingcountry I’m a Bad Test Taker…you mean you’re stupid? Daniel Tosh testsstupidmean Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets. Daniel Tosh regrethatewriting Big, skinny, regular size it doesn't matter as long as your young. Daniel Tosh sizematterlong I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fakeWe have shows like Extreme Make-Over: “I Daniel Tosh cuttinghumorfunny If you have ever typed 'sorry not sorry' I hope you die... not sorry. Daniel Tosh not-sorrydiessorry One day, I want to get rich enough so that every time I walk into a room I can release a dozen doves. Daniel Tosh dozenone-daywant I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it's Mars. Daniel Tosh camerasspacebelieve If I offend anybody tonight, I apologize. That's not my intention. I'm not going to guess what your personal line of decency is; I cross my own from time to time - it's how I know I still have one. Daniel Tosh apologizinglinestonight Every video from Russia is depressing, it's like they have their cameras set to sad. Daniel Tosh depressingcamerasrussia Let's be honest: it's not like I'm not making a good living that the whole family benefits from. No one talks about my foul mouth when we're all in Aspen for Christmas. Daniel Tosh aspensbenefitsmouths I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts. Daniel Tosh humorexpressionfunny Now it's time for amasians... That's Asians doing something amazing. Daniel Tosh I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!' Daniel Tosh tattooyearsthinking The most important part of any CrossFit workout is posting about it endlessly on social media. How about you just brag about all the kettlebell burpees you did to the other whackos in your cult? Daniel Tosh mediaworkoutimportant You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!" Daniel Tosh girlspiritualfunny The only thing surfers have in common with the rest of America is they're unemployed and they love crystal meth. Daniel Tosh crystalscommonamerica My favorite thing to steal is a kiss. You can get arrested for it but they can't force you to give it back. Daniel Tosh favorites-thingskissinggiving I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag. Daniel Tosh red-flagsdatingbigs I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It's really made the touring a lot less grueling. A lot of people get to this level and they're like, Now I do four cities in one week and they tour nonstop. I'm like, No, that sounds miserable. I'll just do two weekends a month. But whenever I'm in some awful place geographically, it's no longer that awful, because you've got the Internet and television. Daniel Tosh weekendcitiesnight
