My daughter's tricycle said "Some Assembly Required." It came in... by Ray Romano

My daughter's tricycle said "Some Assembly Required." It came in a jar.

Ray Romano

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Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

fathers-day funny children

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

sleep funny children

That's when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.

marriage dream funny

When you go to standup, there seems to be a common denominator of some form of need or want for validation from the audience that maybe you were lacking as a kid.

comedian validation kids

I had a very Italian house - the "plastic furniture you couldn't sit on" house. Did anybody have the museum house? For a kid it's traumatic. Towels you can never touch. China no one's ever gonna use. Everything is for a special occasion that never happens. My mother was waiting for the Pope to show up for dinner. Or Sinatra. Or Chachi.

italian mother kids

Identical twins. I'm glad they're identical 'cause you save money on photographs. That's what I like. Yeah. Here's my little boy. I got another one just like it.

causes littles boys

I'll be spending the holidays with my family. Nothing special, just some light bickering and biting sarcasm.

holiday sarcasm light

I married a saint - well, a saint who curses. by Ray Romano

I married a saint - well, a saint who curses.

curse married saint

If I have sex, I know my quarterly estimated taxes must be due. And if it's oral sex, I know it's time to renew my driver's license.

drivers taxes sex

I'm now unemployed. It's a weird feeling with no work, but at least there's still golf. Standup comedy is like my core, it's what I do. But I want to be a pro golfer. It's a love/hate relationship with golf. I can come away feeling so serene, and yet, it's the thing that I can let get to me to throw a club and say curses that don't even exist. I'm obsessed with something that won't let me master it. I don't know. I need therapy.

hate feelings golf

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother a... by Ray Romano

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.

apology mother inspirational

People think living in your parents' basement until you're twenty-nine is lame. But what they don't realize is that while you're there, you save money on rent, food, and dates.

parent people thinking

I came from an Italian house. The refrigerator was always full. I never knew you had to buy food. I thought there were food fairies that came at night.

italian house night

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you re... by Ray Romano

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

marriage kings funny

My theory has always been that everyone in show business is there because they were deprived of some attention as a child.

theory attention children

I wasn't really that informed about the two-year-old. Oh, I'd read about them, and occasionally I'd see documentaries on the Discovery Channel showing two-year-olds in the wild, where they belong.

baby funny children

I don't know if you want to see the Everybody Loves Raymond guy i... by Ray Romano

I don't know if you want to see the Everybody Loves Raymond guy in a nude scene.

guy scene want

I do know its important to keep the romantic spark alive in your marriage. But with four kids, sometimes it's enough just to keep yourself alive.

alive important kids

Sex after one child shows down. After twins... ooh... I'll tell you what it is for us. I'll share it with you. Every three months. We don't plan it that way. That's just how it works out. It's the weirdest thing. You know what I do? Every time I have sex, the next day I pay my estimated tax. My quarterlies are due. If it's oral sex, I renew my driver's license.

next-day children sex

It seems to be a common denominator with a lot of comics, this lo... by Ray Romano

It seems to be a common denominator with a lot of comics, this low self-esteem thing.

self-esteem common lows