My father was a small claims court jester. Steven Wright More Quotes by Steven Wright More Quotes From Steven Wright I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans. Steven Wright husband humor funny Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door? Steven Wright humor doors funny To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. Steven Wright humorous funny ideas I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using? Steven Wright shoes feet men I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit . Steven Wright humor water funny I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot. Steven Wright tired birthday moving When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Steven Wright success positive life I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere. Steven Wright madness mind lost What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious? Steven Wright humor littles funny My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear. Steven Wright nephew doe attention I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.' Steven Wright humor limits funny My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. Steven Wright witty friendship funny When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints. Steven Wright mother sleep night I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it. Steven Wright nature beach funny I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.' Steven Wright friends happy-birthday funny Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? Steven Wright humor writing funny You can't have everything. Where would you put it? Steven Wright laughter humorous funny In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks. Steven Wright hindsight insightful kind If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny. Steven Wright humor funny two I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. Steven Wright gone pet dog