My manager said, "Don't use liquor as a crutch!" I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk. Mitch Hedberg More Quotes by Mitch Hedberg More Quotes From Mitch Hedberg I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later. Mitch Hedberg dream life funny I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late. Mitch Hedberg glasses humor funny My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Mitch Hedberg sarcastic leadership funny Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus? Mitch Hedberg really-cool humor funny If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association. Mitch Hedberg humor association funny I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down. Mitch Hedberg funny travel fall I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread. Mitch Hedberg comedian ducks bread An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. Mitch Hedberg humor sorry funny I don't need a receipt for a doughnut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction! We don't need to bring ink and paper into this! I can't imagine a scenario where I'd have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend...'Don't even act like I didn't buy that doughnut! I've got the documentation right here! Oh, wait, it's back home, in the file. Under d...for doughnut.' Mitch Hedberg humor home funny Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience. Mitch Hedberg cities sky thinking If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out. Mitch Hedberg humor running funny When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly. Mitch Hedberg humor hurt funny Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus... one of those two doesn't sound right. Mitch Hedberg humor funny two A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef. Mitch Hedberg beef bags sleep I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. Mitch Hedberg crazy humor funny A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap. Mitch Hedberg laughter witty funny I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality. Mitch Hedberg gum humor funny I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life. Mitch Hedberg humor funny sex Once I saw a duck walking down the street so I went into Subway and ordered two pieces of bread, and they informed me that they could not do that, like there was some speical rule at Subway that two pieces of bread weren't allowed to touch. So the woman asked me what I wanted on the sandwich and I said I do not care, it is for a duck, and she was like oh then it's free. I was not aware that ducks eat for free at Subway. It's like give me a chicken fajita sub, but don't worry about ringing it up, it is for a duck. Mitch Hedberg ducks giving two I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down. Mitch Hedberg witty life funny
