My new years resolution? I will be less laz. Jim Gaffigan More Quotes by Jim Gaffigan More Quotes From Jim Gaffigan People get burned out in big families, you can even see it in the naming of children. Like the first kid, "You were named after Grandma." The seventh kid, "You were named after a sandwich I had. Now get your brother, Reuben." Jim Gaffigan brotherfunnychildren Now don't get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin' 'em more... fun to pet, better to chew. Jim Gaffigan humoranimalfunny Holidays are also an opportunity for kids to unlearn every good habit they've learned during the rest of the year. They don't go to school. They get to stay up past their bedtime. They get candy and presents for doing nothing. Childhood utopia. Jim Gaffigan holidaykidsschool Now that I'm married and have two beautiful children, it really makes me appreciate... being alone. Jim Gaffigan beautifultwochildren Raising kids may be a thankless job with ridiculous hours, but at least the pay sucks. Jim Gaffigan payjobskids I'm not a strict vegetarian. I do eat beef and pork. And chicken. But not fish 'cause that's disgusting! How do you know when fish goes bad? It smells like fish either way! 'Hey this smells like a dumpster, lets eat it!' Jim Gaffigan smellhumorfunny Whenever one of my children says, 'Goodnight, Daddy,' I always think to myself, 'You don't mean that. Jim Gaffigan fathers-daydadchildren I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin. Jim Gaffigan coffeehumorfunny I don't know what's more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you're doing. Jim Gaffigan up-earlylike-youacting I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm gonna start blowin crap up. It's what the founding fathers would want. Jim Gaffigan 4th-of-julyenergyfather Stand-up used to be much more of a form combat. Heckling was much more common [in the '90s]. And I couldn't get stage time, and so I would go out to Pip's in Sheepshead Bay. Jim Gaffigan hecklingcombatcommon My kids are always awake. It's they're taking shifts. 'Alright, I'll annoy 'em from midnight to . Who wants to ?' Jim Gaffigan emsmidnightkids Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food. Jim Gaffigan dessertyeahthinking It's amazing how email has changed our lives. You ever get a handwritten letter in the mail today? 'What the? Has someone been kidnapped?' Jim Gaffigan emailletterstoday I married a woman who loves to camp, and I am what you would call "indoorsy"... My wife always brings up, "Camping's a tradition in my family." Hey, it was a tradition in everyone's family 'til we came up with the house. Jim Gaffigan campingwifehouse Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant. Jim Gaffigan powerfulshouldbaby You can never look that tough in glasses. ... You never see somebody push up their glasses and say, "I'm gonna kick your ass." Jim Gaffigan glassesfunnylooks Oh great, socks. You know I'm dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They'll go great with my sandals. What am I, German? Jim Gaffigan thankschristmasdying Have you seen the bologna that has the olives in it? Who's that for? 'I like my bologna like a martini. With an olive.' 'I'll have the bologna sandwich - dirty.' Jim Gaffigan humorfunnydirty Steakhouses sort of have this old-school nature to them; they're like museums full of good food. It's fun hearing the waiter share his expertise on the different cuts of beef and how they're going to cut up your baked potato. Jim Gaffigan cuttingfunschool
