My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour. Emo Philips More Quotes by Emo Philips More Quotes From Emo Philips I'm a great lover, I'll bet. Emo Philips humorfunnysex I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy. Emo Philips celibacycheated-onwife My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear. Emo Philips adoptionwaitingbaby My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment. Emo Philips kitchenthreemom It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat. Emo Philips catwifemight Sometimes my mother goes through my socks and underwear. I wouldn't mind, but it tickles so much! Emo Philips underwearmothermind A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..." Emo Philips coffeehumorfunny Computers aren't intelligent, they only think they are. Emo Philips computerintelligentthinking I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. Emo Philips guyhomenight My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family. Emo Philips grandmotherbrainheart People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi. Emo Philips humorfunnypeople The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, "children are our most prescious natural resource". I thought, "let's hope it never comes to that". Emo Philips presidentnightchildren When I was young, my father had a serious heart attack. He Emo Philips carheartfather When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness! Emo Philips rubbermenkids He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites. Emo Philips smiletaughtfunny Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist. Emo Philips cdshumorfunny Ambiguity is the devil's volleyball. Emo Philips volleyballambiguitydevil The question is absurd: when you ask, 'If God is both all good and all powerful, why then does He allow suffering?', what you are really asking is, 'If God is both all good and all powerful, why then can He not make me (the questioner) - who is just as much a part of a universe in which there is suffering as is any other part - be at the same time the exact same questioner, but one who is now part and parcel of a universe in which there is no suffering?' Which, reduced down, is the same thing as asking, 'Why can there not be, at the same time, X and the preclusion of X?' Emo Philips asking-whypowerfulsuffering I'm not as good a swimmer as I used to be - thanks to evolution. Emo Philips swimmerthanksevolution My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor. Emo Philips metaphordadhands
