My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal. Demetri Martin More Quotes by Demetri Martin More Quotes From Demetri Martin I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.' Demetri Martin im-sorryhumorfunny I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!' Demetri Martin gamescharactermen Another term for balloon is bad breath holder. Demetri Martin balloonshumorfunny The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly. Demetri Martin im-sorrywittyfunny I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it. Demetri Martin christmasbirthdayfunny I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar. I owe it about $25. Demetri Martin humorhomefunny There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time. Demetri Martin humorfunnythinking I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me. Demetri Martin my-favoritebandphones A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy. Demetri Martin givingpeopleneeds I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale. Demetri Martin sizehumorfunny I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no "chocohol". We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably "over-workaholled". Demetri Martin epidemicshumorfunny If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat! Demetri Martin humorouswittyfunny Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, Get me started. Demetri Martin length I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business. Demetri Martin none-of-your-businessheysecret It's Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out. Demetri Martin thursdaywork-outsometimes There's a saying that goes, 'People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.' OK. How about, 'Nobody should throw stones'? That's crappy behavior. My policy is, 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation. Demetri Martin glasseshousepeople I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!' Demetri Martin im-sorrynicefunny You mock those who blindly follow the majority...turn your attention now to those who are so dedicated to deviating from the norm that they would gladly cease breathing if it were suggested to them that inhalation was a form of conformity; for they deserve just as much scrutiny and ridicule. Demetri Martin breathingmajorityattention Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is. Demetri Martin swimmingfunsports I have a time machine at home. It only goes forward at regular speed Demetri Martin machinesspeedhome
