My touring has never stopped; from the time I started doing stand-up, I've been on the road. Lewis Black More Quotes by Lewis Black More Quotes From Lewis Black It took forever for me to get work because I was a political comic, and now it's become good business, and God knows how long that'll last. You have to do it night after night after night to kind of make it. I still find myself on 'Piers Morgan' or on some show and I think, 'I hope this is funny.' Lewis Black nightlongthinking The kids say golf taught them this and that. I get it with the military: A guy joins the military because he needs discipline and has to find himself. But don't tell me, 'Golf helps you find yourself.' I've been playing my whole life, and I'm still looking for myself. Lewis Black militarygolfkids Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas. Lewis Black humorfunnyideas These ballot initiatives remind us that America is the land where people are free to dream whatever they want, so long as that dream doesn't make Midwesterners feel icky! Lewis Black landdreamamerica I would like to play Pebble Beach at some point. I keep waiting for them to call and ask me to that little pro-am thing, but I'm not big enough. Lewis Black waitingplaybeach Whenever someone says they believe the earth was created in 7 days, I grab a fossil and say, Fossil. And if they keep talking, I throw it just over their heads. Lewis Black earthtalkingbelieve As psychotic as it gets outside, the comic can be more psychotic. Lewis Black comicpsychotic When I was a kid, you ate, and you drank, and you passed out and nobody woke you up and said, 'Let's go shopping. Lewis Black shoppingsaidkids We don't have seasons anymore. You know why? We lost the ozone layer. Well, put it on milk cartons - let's find it! Lewis Black ozonelayersmilk On the plane was a Time magazine and there was a 30 page article on diabetes, and I read every page. By the time that plane landed, I had diabetes. Lewis Black planesmagazinespages Here's why I think there's something a little odd with George Bush. Because a lot of the times when he speaks, his words don't match his face. Something is askew. You can't talk about the war with a smile on your face. He does it constantly. If you're the President, you should go We're going to talk about the war, I must have a frowny face. The only time you can smile when you're talking about the war in Iraq is when you go, Well, two Iraqis walk into a bar, hahaha. Lewis Black talkingwarthinking In four days, I experienced five seasons. It was thirty, it was sixty, it was ninety, then it was twelve! And on the last day, there was thunder, lightning, and snow - together! And I hadn't done drugs. Lewis Black drugtogethersnow [The Weather Channel] is the most watched cable channel in America. I'll repeat that. It is the most watched cable channel in America. They were worried about the terrorists immobilizing us, and a portion of our countrymen watch weather. 'Kay, you don't get any more immobile than that... unless you're in a goddamn coma. That means you're saying, "I'd go to the window, but it's too far." If you want to know what the weather is you go to a window and stick your hand out and if you want to know what the temperature is you drive by a bank. Lewis Black weathermeanhands Nyquil comes in two colors, red and green, and it's the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green. Lewis Black greencolortwo Some people have religion as a means of solace. But, I had a dreidel, so that was out. Lewis Black meanpeoplereligion People would be a lot better off if they'd enjoy being single. Lewis Black being-singlewould-bepeople I'm a selfish, little pig of a man. Lewis Black selfishpigsmen I think that many things that go on in an art school have a tendency to undermine confidence, and that shouldn't be part of the ballgame, ever. Lewis Black artschoolthinking I do have certain feelings. My feeling is that whoever is in charge, I want him out. Lewis Black want-himwantfeelings I think one reason people play golf is it allows them to obsess about something other than the daily crap. It takes your mind off that. Lewis Black playgolfthinking
