Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship. Dave Barry More Quotes by Dave Barry More Quotes From Dave Barry See, when the government spends money, it creates jobs; whereas when the money is left in the hands of taxpayers, God only knows what they do with it. Bake it into pies, probably. Anything to avoid creating jobs. Dave Barry government jobs hands Perhaps you are thinking: 'But a tank costs several million dollars, not including floor mats. I don't have that kind of money.' Don't be silly. You're a consumer, right? You have credit cards, right? Perhaps you are thinking: 'Yes, but how am I going to pay the credit-card company?' Don't be silly. You have a tank, right? Dave Barry tanks silly thinking I never stop running. I'm not one of the weenies who drop out just because the electoral college votes. I'm still in the race. I'm an extremely corrupt candidate and I stress that in case anybody in our reading audience is interested in sending me money. Dave Barry stress reading running Until I became a parent, I thought children just naturally knew how to catch a ball, that catching was an instinctive biological reflex that all children are born with, like knowing how to operate a remote control or getting high fevers in distant airports. Dave Barry baby funny children Most of the presidential candidates' economic packages involve 'tax breaks,' which is when the government, amid great fanfare, generously decides not to take quite so much of your income. In other words, these candidates are trying to buy your votes with your own money. Dave Barry presidential government trying Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting. Dave Barry fishing sea lakes Although a science fair can seem like a big "pain" it can help you understand important scientific principles, such as Newton's First Law of Inertia, which states: "A body at rest will remain at rest until 8:45 p.m. the night before the science fair project is due, at which point the body will come rushing to the body's parents, who are already in their pajamas, and shout, 'I JUST REMEMBERED THE SCIENCE FAIR IS TOMORROW AND WE GOTTA GO TO THE STORE RIGHT NOW!'" Dave Barry pain night science A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light. Dave Barry three light paper Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spiderwebs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests. Dave Barry leeches stupidity god Alan Zweibel is the funniest writer in the world. He might be even funnier when he's naked, but I'm afraid to find out. Dave Barry naked might world The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery. Dave Barry skills literature people I really try to think cinematically, because that's how people read. They create a theater in their minds. Dave Barry mind people thinking The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida. Dave Barry grandmother grandma baby I love the resource of the Internet. I use it all the time. Anything I'm writing - for example, if I'm writing a scene about Washington D.C. and I want to know where this monument is, I can find it right away, I can get a picture of the monument, it just makes your life so much easier, especially if you're writing fiction. You can check stuff so much quicker, and I think that's all great for writers. Dave Barry writing fiction thinking You should never pick up a newspaper when you're feeling good, because every newspaper has a special department, called the Bummer Desk, which is responsible for digging up depressing front-page stories. Dave Barry depressing feel-good funny There are a number of people without whom I could not have written this book, but I hope you don't hold that against them. They are all fine people, and they had no idea how it would turn out. Dave Barry reading funny book Because of some defect in my motor skill, I can never COMPLETELY wrap [gifts]....If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by scotch tape. Dave Barry scotch christmas skills Sometimes you panic and find yourself emitting remarks so profoundly inane that you would be embarrassed to say them to your dog. Your dog would look at you and think to itself, 'I may lick myself in public, but I'd never say anything as stupid as that.' Dave Barry stupid dog thinking The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition. Dave Barry camping journey travel Mother Nature clearly intended for us to get our food from the "patty" group, which includes hamburgers, fish sticks, and McNuggets- foods that have had all of their organs safely removed. Dave Barry hamburgers groups mother
