Of course, uh, the universe is gradually slowing down and, uh, will eventually collapse inwardly on itself, according to the laws of entropy when all it's thermal and mechanical functions fail, thus rendering all human endeavors ultimately pointless. Just to put the gig in some sort of context.

Bill Bailey

Categorized in : Funny Law Humor

Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.

Bill Bailey

humor vegetarianism funny

Contentment is knowing you're right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.

Bill Bailey

knowing-someone contentment knowing

The day after tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life - that way you've always got a couple of days in hand.

Bill Bailey

couple hands way

You remind me of the Siberian hunting spider, which adopts a highly convincing limp in three of its eight legs in order to attract its main prey, the so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing. Not to be confused with the Ukrainian hunting spider, which actually has got a limp and is, as such, completely harmless, and a little bit bitter about the whole thing.

Bill Bailey

philosophical confused funny

Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.

Bill Bailey

three stupid littles

People say 'Bill, are you an optimist?' And I say, 'I hope so.'

Bill Bailey

humor funny people

I'm quite lucky, because I've got a small, decorative concrete pig.

Bill Bailey

humor pigs funny

Tonight's show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet.

Bill Bailey

humor doubt funny

A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies: "I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law."

Bill Bailey

horse humor funny

Three women walk into a pub and say, `Hooray, we've colonised a male-dominated joke format'

Bill Bailey

males pubs three

I'm English and as such I crave disappointment. That's why I buy Kinder Surprise.

Bill Bailey

kinder surprise disappointment

Not so great in England at the moment; in an online poll we came last, we actually came bottom of European countries for quality of life, because of things like the weather, obviously, late retirement, poor holiday, poor public services, poor health service; it's basically just a kind of grey, godless wilderness, full of cold pies and broken dreams.

Bill Bailey

dream funny country

I'm sort of like a post-modern vegetarian; I eat meat ironically.

Bill Bailey

meat humor funny

I'm English, and as such I crave disappointment. That's why I buy Kinder Surprise. Horrible chocolate; nasty little toy: a double-whammy of disillusionment! Sometimes I eat the toy out of sheer despair.

Bill Bailey

despair chocolate disappointment

Do not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism.

Bill Bailey

crush flower funny

That ideology was never going to work, was it? It was just cobbled together from different beliefs: The anti-intellectualism of the Khmer Rouge, the religious persecution of the Nazis, the enforced beard-wearing from the world of folk music, and the segregation and humiliation of women from the world of golf.

Bill Bailey

humor religious funny

Why do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying 'Can I get in with the cows? I just fancy scuffling about with them.'

Bill Bailey

humor funny people

The way we live in the West we live like kings. People moan about this and that in Britain but we have running water, electricity, security and a rule of law and so many people in the world don't have these.

Bill Bailey

kings law running

The reason we'd stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom. Whoever was charged with making the announcement momentarily lost all sense of procedure and we got this tantalizing glimpse into the chaos on the trains, and all we could hear was (bangs on microphone) "Gary, it's burning, what we gonna do?!" And everyone on the carriage just cheered, "Hooray! We're rubbish!"

Bill Bailey

humor fire funny

I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but you've got to admire the workmanship.

Bill Bailey

humor hurt funny