One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton". Demetri Martin More Quotes by Demetri Martin More Quotes From Demetri Martin Some of them relate to farts but they are not fart jokes. They would just be a fart in the joke but it's about something else. Demetri Martin fart relate jokes Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro. Demetri Martin velcro beard way Sometimes it looks like I'm dancing, but it's just that I walked into a spider web. Demetri Martin spiders dancing looks I don't think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics they're the most direct, non-figurative words, like, 'I like you, I like you,'... and that's it, for the whole song. People would go, 'Ooh, this guy's Dylan or something.' It gives me a lot more respect for songwriters, actually. Demetri Martin writing i-like-you song Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you. Demetri Martin god-bless-you annoying two I got myself a really nice nib pen, with like 15 kinds of India Ink, and tons of different nibs; I think I was just procrastinating, like, once I have the right nib, the book is just going to jump right out of my fingertips... but then it just ended up looking like the shitty drawings that I usually do. Demetri Martin nice book thinking Overheard today in restaurant: Can you stop listening to our conversation? Demetri Martin restaurants listening today I live in New York and there are a lot of famous... pizzerias in my neighborhood, it's really hard to find one that isn't famous. Which sucks sometimes, you know what I mean, sometimes I don't want all that glitz and glamour, I just want something delicious, you know? I don't need a celebrity in my mouth, Ray's Up And Coming Pizza would be fine. Demetri Martin want-something new-york mean Why are there not positive mysteries? It's always who stole the diamond, or who killed the butler? How about... who made cookies, somebody cleaned my room. Demetri Martin cookies mystery rooms A lifevest protects you from drowning and a bulletproof vest protects you from getting shot, and a sweater vest protects you from pretty girls. Demetri Martin bulletproof-vest sweaters girl I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins. Demetri Martin paper use book If you have a lair then you are probably not a good person. Demetri Martin good-person persons ifs When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too. Demetri Martin yeah want kids I travel alone so much, and the first thought is to grab the damn phone. In airports, just look around. Nobody looks at anybody, or even out the window. It's obvious we can't live without it anymore, and as a comic on the road the phone is an essential tool. It's probably doing more good than bad for me, but it does make me sad that those of us who grew up without mobile phones, we know what we're missing. Demetri Martin comic missing window To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas. Demetri Martin frozen trying blood I don't usually fly in first class, but I fart in first class. Demetri Martin fart class firsts They say it's lonely at the top. It must be even lonelier at the tippy top. Demetri Martin lonely-at-the-top lonely I love having an open seat next to me on the train. What's even better is when my seat is open too because I just stayed home. Demetri Martin next train home Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious. Demetri Martin dishwashers efficient choices I got into stand up just to do stand up because I love stand up. Demetri Martin