Why are there not positive mysteries? It's always who stole the diamond, or who killed the butler? How about... who made cookies, somebody cleaned my room. Demetri Martin More Quotes by Demetri Martin More Quotes From Demetri Martin The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. Demetri Martin im-sorry heart funny People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty. Demetri Martin life funny country Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, "I'm not racist, but..." I say, "I'm not racist, but you look great today." They say, "That wasn't racist at all." I said, "I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican." Demetri Martin typical mexican funny Clothing sizes are weird, they go: small, medium, large and then extra large, extra extra large, extra extra extra large. Something happened at large, they just gave up. They were like, 'I'm not doing any more adjectives; you just keep putting extras on there.' We could do better than that: small, medium, large, whoa, easy, slow down, stop it, interesting, American. Demetri Martin size adjectives interesting I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.' Demetri Martin im-sorry witty funny When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that? Demetri Martin giving kids people If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find. Demetri Martin bookstores life funny There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger. Demetri Martin dry lines giving To remove all credibility from what you're saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead. Demetri Martin sunglasses credibility trying Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral. Demetri Martin im-sorry humor funny A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day. Demetri Martin wednesday dry rain Relationships, like eyebrows, are better when there is space between them. Demetri Martin space-between eyebrows space It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location. Demetri Martin adults humor funny When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults. Demetri Martin im-sorry humor funny If you really think about it, hitting the snooze button in the morning doesn't even make sense. It's like saying, 'I hate getting up in the morning-so I do it over... and over... and over again.' Demetri Martin hate morning thinking Man versus woman equals fun. Man versus man equals gay. Woman versus woman equals awesome. Man versus pillow equals crazy. Pillow versus pillow equals crazy awesome - that's a real pillow fight right there. You see two pillows fighting, you know something's going down. They're designed for relaxation. If they're fighting, what hope do we have? One time I saw two geese fighting, and I was like, 'This is a pillow fight ahead of time. Demetri Martin crazy real fun I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs. Demetri Martin humor song funny I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable. Demetri Martin morning funny believe When a Dalmatian sees a cow he must be like, 'What the hell happened to him? I am high right now. That dalmatian is fat and smeary.' When the cow sees the Dalmatian he must be like, 'He looks amazing. I am so out of shape, this is ridiculous. My tits are on the ground here. Demetri Martin dalmatians shapes looks A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you're smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you're thinking about something. Demetri Martin smoking looks thinking
