One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it. Mitch Hedberg More Quotes by Mitch Hedberg More Quotes From Mitch Hedberg Mitch's Pizzaria... this week's coupon: unlimited free pizza. Special Note: coupon not good at any of the Mitch's Pizza locations. Free pizza oven with purchase of a small Coke. Two-for Tuesday: buy one pizza, get one franchise free. Mitch Hedberg special tuesday two You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number, but often they'll use too many letters? "Call 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Brand-New-Carpeting." Too many letters, man, must I dial them all? "Hello? Hold on, man, I'm only on 'Enjoy.' How did you know I was calling? You're good, I can see why they hired you!" Mitch Hedberg humor men funny I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still have tartar, but that stuff's under control. I got so much tartar, I don't have to dip my fish sticks in anything. That's actually kind of gross. After that joke, I have to clarify that I'm just joking. Mitch Hedberg humor stuff funny I'm not into sports. I mean...I like Gatorade, but that's as far as it goes. Mitch Hedberg gatorade sports mean Every picture of you is when you were younger. Mitch Hedberg I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. Mitch Hedberg machines snacks fall Have you ever tried sugar or PCP? Mitch Hedberg sugar Onions make me sad, a lot of people don't realize that. When I'm cutting onions, I'm sad. Because the plight of onions, it's sad. But people don't realize I'm actually crying - they think I'm just reacting. Mitch Hedberg cutting people thinking Mitch”, but then reattach it and call it “Mitch-all-together. Mitch Hedberg together I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' I said, 'Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question!' Mitch Hedberg humor jobs funny I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here. Mitch Hedberg humor running funny I've never stayed at a bed and breakfast. If I did, I figure you would start to get hungry! "Is that all you got around here? Well, maybe you can direct me to a chair lunch dinner." Mitch Hedberg lunch humor funny I would like it if four people did a cartwheel all at once... so I can make a cart. Mitch Hedberg humor funny people I didn't go to college, but if I did, I would've taken all my tests at a restaurant, 'cause 'The customer is always right'. Mitch Hedberg humor taken funny I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, "Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?" Mitch Hedberg sugar humor funny I can't eat spaghetti. There's too many of them. Mitch Hedberg pasta humor funny There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this." Who would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. I know you need water, but I'm going to make you hard to reach. "Think like a cactus!" Mitch Hedberg humor funny mean I like to smoke a pipe, because it's the punch line indicator. Whenever I take a hit of the pipe, you should be laughing. Mitch Hedberg humor laughing funny I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have them and I was telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling. So I told jokes twice. I even told that one twice. Mitch Hedberg humor night funny Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles. Mitch Hedberg pieces humor funny
