People get into stand-up comedy by and large because they're smart and they have a perspective. Dana Gould More Quotes by Dana Gould More Quotes From Dana Gould To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down. Dana Gould poopsantalooks Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding. Dana Gould hipsties Christ was born in a manger, laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding. Dana Gould incenselaying-downgoats Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo! Dana Gould hategivingkids As I die, and my life flashes before my eyes, I want to see who made faces at me when I turned my head. That's all I want to see. Dana Gould eyefaceswant Even if I say, Everyone in the village died of diarrhea, I still laugh a little after diarrhea. Dana Gould villagelittleslaughing A big blizzard proves there's no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there's no such thing as cows. Dana Gould milkcowsway If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they're a douchebag. Dana Gould douchebagsencountersodds I was an altar boy in the Roman Catholic Church and no priest ever laid a hand on me. That's me, always the bridesmaid. Dana Gould catholicboyshands Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it's an ixnay on the oggy style-day. Dana Gould styletattoojesus When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet. Dana Gould toiletssounddoors When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you? Dana Gould girlkingsfun I like to think of murder-suicide as extreme multitasking. Dana Gould multitaskingsuicidethinking I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear. Dana Gould six-monthsstrangetwo I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get it. You sit here - I'll get it, I'll make it. Dana Gould tunasandwicheswant Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison. Dana Gould familycatreligious I wanted to be a comedian. I wanted to meet waitresses and felt that being a comedian was my best way to go about it and I was right. Dana Gould waitresscomedianway I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave. Dana Gould waitingpeopleschool As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos. Dana Gould hobosglobal-warmingpie Although I love the taste of Nutrageous bars, I am nutraged at their new, high price. Dana Gould high-pricesbarstaste
