Pepperidge Farm bread. That's fancy bread. You can tell it's fancy because it's wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn't open. That's why I don't buy it. I don't need another step between me and toast. Mitch Hedberg More Quotes by Mitch Hedberg More Quotes From Mitch Hedberg I wrote a letter to my Dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it, so I wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, Dad - there's a lot of stuff you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away. Mitch Hedberg dad humor funny I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match "It's a fight to the finish". That's a good place to end. Mitch Hedberg fighting humor funny If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out man. I'll trade you a free key duplication for. That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending. Mitch Hedberg humor men funny I don't want to have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover of a Rice Krispies box. "Snap, Krackle, Mitch and Pop"! Mitch Hedberg humor want funny I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle. Mitch Hedberg comedy humor funny I heard a guy tell me he liked cherries. I waited to hear if he was going to say "tomatoes", then I realized he like cherries just. That joke is ridiculous. Mitch Hedberg guy humor funny I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I have to tell them something that is going on. "What time is it, Mitch?" "Uh, that guy is eating a hamburger." "Shi*, I had to be somewhere..." Mitch Hedberg hamburgers guy watches I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. Better flip that Frito, dad, you know how I like it. Mitch Hedberg dad summer funny We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes for the CD. You know what sweeten means, right? Sweeten is a show-biz term for "add sugar to". Mitch Hedberg humor funny mean I have an idea for sweatshops: air conditioning! That's simple. 14 year old boys working twelve hour days? "Yeah, but they're comfortable!" Mitch Hedberg humor boys funny The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'll say, "Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough." Mitch Hedberg real funny moving I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves. It’s kind of sad. Okay you don’t think you’ll ever make it as a musician, but last night you saw a translucent caveman. Mitch Hedberg night believe thinking That would be cool if the earth's crust was made out of graham cracker. It would disappear just like the ozone layer, but for completely different reasons. Mitch Hedberg ozone humor funny I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me. Mitch Hedberg humor done funny There's a guy in the audience with a distinctive laugh. I hope that guy is miked. The only problem with having a distinctive laugh is I know exactly when that guy isn't laughing. "Oh, distinctive laugh doesn't think that joke was funny!" Mitch Hedberg humor funny thinking Yeah, I'm not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete's foot, I'd say that's not my foot! Mitch Hedberg athlete sports funny As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes. You're all happy at first, but then by the end, you're sick of 'em. Mitch Hedberg humor strong funny I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in threes. He has three apples left, I guess I can't have one. I wouldn't want to screw up his practice routine. Mitch Hedberg humor practice funny Incubated. And then raised. And then beheaded. And then plucked. And then cut up. And then put on a grill. And then put on a bun. Damn, it's gonna take a while. I don't have time. Scrambled! Mitch Hedberg buns cutting damn I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all. Mitch Hedberg orange humor funny
