Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day. Emo Philips More Quotes by Emo Philips More Quotes From Emo Philips When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I'd yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal... You have to let me in now. Emo Philips runningkidschildren When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them. Emo Philips illinoishumorfunny I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don't know what she charges him. Emo Philips girlfriendevilthinking You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists. Emo Philips damncareersgirl I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off of it for one. Emo Philips purposetakenearth I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, how are you going to get into the corners?" Emo Philips humorsorryfunny I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose. Emo Philips sexydoorsthinking Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand. Emo Philips magazines Not everybody hates me. Only the people who've met me. Emo Philips hate-mehatepeople Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair. Emo Philips forksrestaurantsgirlfriend My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets. Emo Philips humorparentfunny I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes. Emo Philips girlhumorfunny Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil. Emo Philips humorfunnyreality I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. Emo Philips hilarioushumorousfunny So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon. Emo Philips wallhumorfunny Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. Emo Philips encouragementmorningfunny I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them. Emo Philips playchessmen I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson. Emo Philips humorfiftyfunny My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it. Emo Philips grandmotherjobskids They have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers. Emo Philips glassesbeachthinking
