PROBOSCIS, n. The rudimentary organ of an elephant which serves him in place of the knife-and-fork that Evolution has as yet denied him. For purposes of humor it is popularly called a trunk. Ambrose Bierce More Quotes by Ambrose Bierce More Quotes From Ambrose Bierce I think that I think, therefore I think that I am. Ambrose Bierce thinking Philosophy: A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing. Ambrose Bierce leadershipmathphilosophy A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced. Ambrose Bierce nervousagefunny A hollow edifice erected for the habitation of man, rat, mouse, beetle, cockroach, fly, mosquito, flea, bacillus, and microbe. Ambrose Bierce partyhousemen Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. Ambrose Bierce sarcasticfunnyart Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly. Ambrose Bierce mothers-dayfamilymom Optimism - the doctrine or belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly. Ambrose Bierce attitudebeautifulbeauty Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the others who have tried it. Ambrose Bierce crazypridemen The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog. Ambrose Bierce humordogfunny Alliance - in international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third. Ambrose Bierce governmentpeacehands PAIN, n. An uncomfortable frame of mind that may have a physical basis in something that is being done to the body, or may be purely mental, caused by the good fortune of another. Ambrose Bierce paindonemind You don't have to be stupid to be a Christian, ... but it probably helps. Ambrose Bierce stupidchristianhelping optimism, n. The doctrine, or belief, that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, everything good, especially the bad, and everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by those most accustomed to the mischance of falling into adversity, and is most acceptably expounded with disproof - an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment but death. It is hereditary, but fortunately not contagious. Ambrose Bierce adversitybeautifulfall Patience, n. A minor form of dispair, disguised as a virtue. Ambrose Bierce virtuesarcasticpatience LAWYER, n. One skilled in circumvention of the law. Ambrose Bierce lawyerlaw He who thinks with difficulty believes with alacrity. A fool is a natural proselyte, but he must be caught young, for his convictions, unlike those of the wise, harden with age. Ambrose Bierce wisebelievethinking Prescription: A physician's guess at what will best prolong the situation with least harm to the patient. Ambrose Bierce physicianspatientliterature Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another. Ambrose Bierce two-nationsrightshistory Labor is one of the processes by which A acquires property for B. Ambrose Bierce propertylaborprocess Ambition. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead. Ambrose Bierce ambitionlifereality
