Recently a guy was having trouble with his computer. So he unplugs it, takes it out in the alley, pulls out a gun, and shoots it eight times. Coincidentally, that's how Hillary got rid of her emails. David Letterman More Quotes by David Letterman More Quotes From David Letterman It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. David Letterman weekend spring mean An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New David Letterman humor fields funny Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives. David Letterman daughter mother baby New York City subways are now getting high speed Internet. How about some high speed subway trains? David Letterman getting-high cities new-york I went to the beach a couple of times in New York City. Tough summer out there, but I was pretty excited. I found what I thought at the time was a very rare seashell. And I took it to a friend of mine who works in a museum. And I was really disappointed. It turned out to be just a human ear. David Letterman summer inspirational beach A priest in New York City was arrested on gun possession. These days, you better be happy that the bulge in his pocket is a .38. David Letterman gun cities new-york I vote Democrat because I believe that businesses should not be allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even and give the rest away to the government for redistribution as the Democrat Party sees fit. David Letterman party government believe I vote Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit fringe kooks who would never get their agendas past the voters. David Letterman judging believe past It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said. David Letterman race sea thinking Some good news. Finally, President Bush is going to do something about global warming. He became alarmed when another chunk of ice fell off his mother. David Letterman ice president mother I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from murderers and thieves. I am also thankful that we have a 911 service that gets police to your home in order to identify your body after a home invasion. David Letterman gun home order I vote Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want. I've decided to marry my German Shepherd. David Letterman shepherds voting want The reason I vote Democrat is because I think it's better to pay billions for oil to people who hate us, but not drill our own because it might upset some endangered beetle, gopher, or fish here in America. We don't care about the beetles, gophers, or fish in those other countries. David Letterman hate country thinking Honey, what happened to "ladies first"? Husband replies, "That's the reason why the worlds a mess today, because a lady went first!" David Letterman marriage husband world President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger. David Letterman comedy president quiet When I was a kid in Indiana, we thought it would be fun to get a turkey a year ahead of time and feed it and so on for the following Thanksgiving. But by the time Thanksgiving came around, we sort of thought of the turkey as a pet, so we ate the dog. Only kidding. It was the cat! David Letterman thanksgiving dog fun It's autumn in New York. The colors are changing yellow, the browns, the greens, the oranges. And that's just the tap water. David Letterman autumn color new-york The world's oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed. David Letterman dying age thinking I vote Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would. David Letterman government jobs believe I vote Democrat because Freedom of Speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it. David Letterman freedom-of-speech voting long
