Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed. Demetri Martin More Quotes by Demetri Martin More Quotes From Demetri Martin When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. Demetri Martin taxpayerscomedyfunny A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is. Demetri Martin know-it-allannoyingpersons Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries... They Die. Demetri Martin batteriesdramaticbreak It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby. Demetri Martin ironiclittlesbaby I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away. Demetri Martin machinesrunningnumbers They should call fishing what it really is... tricking and killing! Demetri Martin killingfishingshould Someday I will tell my grandchildren that I lived in the era when OK was abbreviated to K. Demetri Martin somedayerasgrandchildren It would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted. Demetri Martin nicewould-bepeople Sometimes, when something really great happens to me, I like to wait two weeks before I tell anyone about it, because I like to use the word 'fortnight'. Demetri Martin usewaitingtwo I wonder if it's rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands. Demetri Martin rudewonderhands When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads. Demetri Martin sheepcloudsanimal One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton". Demetri Martin badmintonguymen Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you're vegan, you're annoying. Demetri Martin winedrinkingfunny A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual. Demetri Martin usualsportspeople Have a great day. Note: does not apply to my enemies. Demetri Martin have-a-great-daydoeenemy I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable. Demetri Martin unreliablemen My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.' Demetri Martin im-sorryfunnymoving I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery. Demetri Martin enigmamystery I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?' Demetri Martin phonesvoicemorning It is impossible for a cyclops to wink. Demetri Martin cyclopsimpossible
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